fair warning: this will be complainy

ugh. i feel like @$$. i don't know where to start, so this will be disjointed, as opposed to my other clear and orderly posts. lol

right now I have a wicked headache. I have another doctor's appointment tonight to go over test results (pap, std, hiv) and i am going to mention my allergies and tight back hopefully getting some nasal spray and ibuprofren since i have very limited funds. (er, i have a check at work, i will go there tomorrow.) stupidfed pe doesn't work and benadryl puts me to sleep and nasal irrigation makes me puke. acetemeniphen doesn't really help with my back aches bc i need the anti inflammatory. wheee. i am off the thyroid med bc the supplement had my numbers doing well. my cholesterol is reallllly bad, 258, on niacin and aspirin, and really need to focus on healthy diet and exercise, when i get back from vacay...always an excuse, but no reason to torture one self.

usually i love my trips up to my dad's, this one was stressful. bo came with me and it started out dandy. we had a good train ride up. everything was going fine. he smoked outside and got called out, but that was it. then we went out on friday night for dinner for kt's bday, he left during to smoke. ok, just nerves. then we went to a show that he got drunk at. and then we were going to a party bc it was only like midnight and he said 'r u sure it's ok with your parents?' and i said it was fine. so we went to the party. i drank a bit, he got wasted. and stupid. the car ride home he yelled at me for my choice of music. we got home and he didn't say he had to pee but yelled at me for not opening the door for him before smoking leading him to stomp off to pee outside. when we were smoking, he was loud so i calmly asked him to be quiet and he was loud and told me to 'stop being so uptight' and i said it was 4am and we were at my parents house. it was closer to 5am. after we went into our separate rooms, he stormed into mine and yelled 'don't you ever invite us to a party in the middle of effing no where!', mixed messages. i was sure i was going to break up with him as soon as we got back to portland.

so then, we had put the mount for the gps in the center and my dad comes looking for it in the morning. i got up and tried to ask bo who snapped at me, good times. dad and jane were gone for the day and bo and i talked and had a good day. i told him it was not ok to treat me the way he did. and i sited precedent of the other time he was really drunk at my house, not cool at all. we went to poker night instead of the show and bo seemed weird but said he was ok. i asked him not to bring out the smoke in front of everyone, but we smoked in front of an auntie anyway, annoyed but will be fine. nothing overly dramatic.

then sunday, we went to church, he had been forewarned and also had the option of not going and also knows my stance on things. they were 'placing hands on the downtrodden' and i said to him as a complete joke 'wanna go up?' and he got super frustrated and practically yelled 'absolutely not' and looked angry and offended for a long time. not cool, man. we went back to the house where jane politely let bo know that grandpa would give him trouble if he wore ripped jeans, instead of being able to laugh that church was laid back and hanging with family was more proper he was angry. then he was drinking and me and a few others maybe a bit but he ended up switching to boxed wine in the fridge and spilled it and was just chain smoking and angry. before eating we prayed and grandpa yelled 'take off your hats' to everyone in the room which included bo. he got so frustrated and angry by this that he was yelling over and over. when we were in the car on the way home i was having fun singing with k but apparently this was annoying to him so he elbowed me. it is not ok to hit me, even if you didn't think it was hard. and it was harder and with and angrier look on the face than just 'please stop as i nudge you', it was like 'shut the eff up elbow you'. we got back and had the same conversation 5 times until i finally said, i can't have this conversation right now, k is sleeping over, hw, etc. argh. i couldn't concentrate on hw. instead of asking me to take him to get cigarettes he kept hinting at it until he was begging around 1am and i just did it to not hear it. he stated he wanted to leave the next day even though it was clear i was babysitting the whole next day as we talked about it practically ad naseum, especially with k being excited. i wrote a list of pros and cons, cons much longer, but i was admittedly angry.

talking on the phone with sky3, word. oh yeah, i got back from dr., have a sinus and ear infection - fun. going on the plane better not mess me up. grr. took the first dose of stuff and feeling slight drainage happening. ew, but good, i promise.

blah blah blah. now that i am back, i am undecided about things. i missed group which was bad news bc i got in trouble and i need it. i have psych tomorrow. i haven't gotten any current work but starting in may and my summer is booking up nicely and i have a check there =) i am behind on school work. my face hurts but that's no excuse to not do it. bo is supposed to be here, and he isn't, he always takes forever and a half. anyway, i figure i am going away, i'll have some time to think. epsom salt bath is calling me....

oh, i lost 6pounds since last visit =)

and i found this awesome site on dbt here