I sit here after an amazing day and night but I still feel sad. I feel sad that I can't seem to "get it together". I know that means different things to different people, but really my goals are simple: Take care of myself and take care of my house. I do neither of these very well, if at all.
I want to eat well. I want to exercise. I want to brush my teeth everyday. I want to shower everyday. I want to have clothes organized in drawers that are easily accessible. I want to look at my living room and not sigh because of it's clutter. I want, I want, I want but I don't know how to do, do, do. Really. I mean it might sound ridiculous but I have no idea how to keep a clean home. I try, I really do, it's not that I'm lazy or don't want to, I just can't seem to do it, I don't seem to have the skills. It's distressing to me. I see my place and I start to clean but then get sidetracked. I see pictures of friends from the pasts houses and I feel sad because it's so nice. I go to current friends houses and I say "Why can't I do this?" I have a feeling part of it is being overwhelmed, like I can't take on the whole house at once but I don't know how to break it down. I am going to try to do stuff today and tomorrow since I only work 3:30-6:30 and then I am taking pictures to bring into my therapist. I just looked around and started crying. This is real and I have to take care of it.
Of course there is AP too who is usually pretty good but is frustrating me because he is not working in the week and is not helping as much as I would like. (He is starting school 4/2 and started just weekend work early which sucks bc he's depressed because he's not doing anything in the week and because he has no money) I spend more money. I make more money. I told him I'd be happy to pay some more money if he carried more weight in the house, we seemed good on this but words are not actions. I came home tonight to him passed out with a sink full of puke that he didn't clean up. Today he was scrounging change to get butane to make oil and I held strong to not giving him money because he was going to use that change for my laundry, but priorities changed =/
I can't ever focus on anything. If I am doing one thing, I am often thinking of another or many other things. This hurts both emotionally and I am pretty sure physically because I seem to be so tense all the god damn time. Example, I wrote this before the huge paragraph above and it got scooted down and now I am adding to it. And I think that is it for this post although I did want to talk about my week and my night. Another time.
I bid you adieu.
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3 comments:
Hey Nikkol, sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. You know, cleaning and organizing isn't just something that people are born knowing, they are learned behaviors. So, you shouldn't expect yourself to just be able to do them when you have never learned how to. It is overwhelming if you don't know where to begin. When the girls were little and we hired people to clean our house in NJ I was shocked by how efficiently and thoroughly they were able to clean my house. They knew how to do it and I didn't.
I have some suggestions that may help. These are all things that I do or have done in my life and has worked for me. Maybe some of them will sounds good to you!
First, I would take a look around and evaluate how much of what you own you need. Apartment living can be tough because it's a small space that you've lived in for many years. Over the years everyone has a lot more coming in than going out. Stacks of papers accumulate and suddenly there is extra stuff with sentimental value (sometimes) but nowhere to put it. So, instead of it going somewhere, it just sits there. You can't really clean it up because it doesn't have a place... Then, you just have a whole bunch of clutter. Make everything in your home have a place... and if it doesn't, evaluate if you need it. If you do feel that you need it, put it in storage.
I suggest getting a few giant tupperware tubs that you can fit in a closet. And also a few trash bags. Go through your apartment room by room. Really look at what is around. Maybe some things have good memories attached, but ask yourself if you need to have that thing in order to hold onto the memory. Obviously, pictures are important, but maybe there are old school papers and things that aren't? Throw out what you can throw out. If there are crafts around the house, maybe you should consider gifting some of them to friends. Take supplies that you do not use every day and store them in the giant tupperware. Even kitchen things that you don't always use can be stored this way.
After you do this, get a big basket and make it the "dumping place." Put it near your front door. When you come in with junk mail or a bag of stuff that you're not going to put away immediately, put it in the basket. keep your purse there. Keep your keys there. This will keep your clutter contained and will keep you sort of organized. I can't tell you how many times someone asks where something is and either Jay or I respond, "check the grey thing." (Our dumping basket happens to be gray and has a top, so I can close it and no one knows my secret!)
Then, hire someone to come in to clean your apartment once. It's not a huge space and would probably only put you back $100 dollars or so. Seriously, put it on someone else. Just one time! Let them scrub your bathroom and kitchen and get your floors super clean and unjust everything. Getting it clean is the hard part, maintaining it once it is... is cake!!!!
Here's what I do to keep things clean every day. I make sure all dirty clothes are in laundry baskets... always. Clean dishes immediately. When you get up in the morning, make the bed right away. Every room looks tidy if the bed is made. Every day, vacuum and sweep all of your floors, wipe down the counters in your kitchen and bathroom. Before you go to bed at night, straighten up your living room. Make sure that all cups are back in the kitchen and any snacks are put away. Fold blankets and put away anything that you've been using. Waking up is nicer when there is less work to do because no one wants to clean up when you have a full day of work ahead of you.
As far as AP helping, I suggest making a list. Jay actually asked me to do this for him recently. Just ask him if it's okay if you make a list of things that he could do that would greatly reduce your stress. If he's home during the week and knows when you'll be getting home, just ask that whatever things get done while you are out. Think of the things that stress you out the most or that would be a huge relief not to have to do. And see how he feels about doing them. Like, maybe he could vacuum each day and do the dishes always. It would probably only be an hour of his day but would make a huge difference in your quality of life.
I don't know... I feel like I just wrote a novel, but I hope some of these things are helpful.
xoxox
(my comment was so long that blogger wouldn't publish it unless I cut it in half!) lol
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