i have to be honest with myself and tell others, too. i acknowledged this fact with karapist and with group which only one other person was there this week. i've never been a cutter, when i was 13 i remember doing it, but it didn't last long and i think that's where my practically fainting at the sight of blood began. i used to break things and hit things. what i have been doing is digging my nails into my skin on my arms or legs and press and press and press so much that indentations are left. sometimes i pull down and it makes marks. sometimes it bleeds. i have a couple of scars from this. sometimes i just scratch and scratch and scratch until my skin is raw. sometimes it bleeds. today i did it really bad. it started with small scratching and got bigger and bigger until i was bleeding in a couple spots and my skin was raw and red. i also sometimes bite myself leaving huge teeth marks.
(i did notice in this picture that it looks like i have nice legs at least.) i first realized i was doing it a bit ago bc the pain in my side was so bad that i was creating pain away from my side and then i didn't feel anything. overall, subconsciously, what i am looking for is a release. and doing this gives a rush of endorphins. i am much more aware now that i talked about it, but that hasn't stopped me from doing it. i don't realize i am doing it until i've started. this time i decided to document it to make it more real. i also cleaned it with alcohol (ow!) and put a band-aid on it when in the past i've just left it as it.
i haven't smoked since monday. STone was supposed to come over on Tues but her car broke and her and mel-g were supposed to come over today, yet they didn't call, txt or come over or respond to any or my calls or texts. they are friends of convenience. and i have no other friends here. whenever i don't smoke i have trouble sleeping. tuesday i took my Rx sleeping pill bc i had to be up for group, but last night i didn't take anything. and i tried at midnight, came back out to watch tv and began falling asleep, i moved to my room and fell asleep around 2am and slept well until like 11:30 today and stayed in bed til 12:30, so that was really positive that i was able to sleep on my own.
overall i have been cutting down and i'm fairing much better when i don't have and can't get. but i am noticing i am really depressed, like crying over everything (think pms style like a happy song makes you cry), have a terrible headache with no dissipation, am mad and shaky. i remember talking to karapist about withdrawal bc i was thumbing through the DSM-IV (medical book of psychiatric illness) and it's recognized as a real thing. i also found this page and it sounds like what i am experiencing. seeing the beautiful plants sure doesn't add to cravings.(oops, biting my hand) mel-g leaves tomorrow for the weekend which means STone has her car so i hope she can come over.
i was going to sell some books, cds, dvds, etc, but i have to save the only bus ticket to get to psych on tuesday. and then get more so i can get home and get to group. my unemployment was claimed but they are still investigating the educational institutions i worked for. no canceled funds have become available. i tried to change the mom loan to the new school so that would be available but couldn't do it on-line and couldn't get a person on the phone and ended up trying to yell at the computer which did not understand my responses. so, i am going to call tomorrow.
i feel really silly now bc my leg hurts. i might go for a walk. as long as it's not raining. btw, check out i am what i eat for new posts.
(i did notice in this picture that it looks like i have nice legs at least.) i first realized i was doing it a bit ago bc the pain in my side was so bad that i was creating pain away from my side and then i didn't feel anything. overall, subconsciously, what i am looking for is a release. and doing this gives a rush of endorphins. i am much more aware now that i talked about it, but that hasn't stopped me from doing it. i don't realize i am doing it until i've started. this time i decided to document it to make it more real. i also cleaned it with alcohol (ow!) and put a band-aid on it when in the past i've just left it as it.
i haven't smoked since monday. STone was supposed to come over on Tues but her car broke and her and mel-g were supposed to come over today, yet they didn't call, txt or come over or respond to any or my calls or texts. they are friends of convenience. and i have no other friends here. whenever i don't smoke i have trouble sleeping. tuesday i took my Rx sleeping pill bc i had to be up for group, but last night i didn't take anything. and i tried at midnight, came back out to watch tv and began falling asleep, i moved to my room and fell asleep around 2am and slept well until like 11:30 today and stayed in bed til 12:30, so that was really positive that i was able to sleep on my own.
overall i have been cutting down and i'm fairing much better when i don't have and can't get. but i am noticing i am really depressed, like crying over everything (think pms style like a happy song makes you cry), have a terrible headache with no dissipation, am mad and shaky. i remember talking to karapist about withdrawal bc i was thumbing through the DSM-IV (medical book of psychiatric illness) and it's recognized as a real thing. i also found this page and it sounds like what i am experiencing. seeing the beautiful plants sure doesn't add to cravings.(oops, biting my hand) mel-g leaves tomorrow for the weekend which means STone has her car so i hope she can come over.
i now have negative $78 in my account. i had $6.10 and an auto-payment of $50 that i tried to cancel with the company but apparently it didn't happen and my bank took the money out and made my account negative. why in the hell would they accept a $50 charge when there is only $6.10 in the account? and i got a $35 fee, too. YaY!!! so glad these banks who obviously need all our money are getting so much help. they sure run good, sound, honest businesses that care about their customers. i have 96cents in change which gets me a one hour bus pass and a penny left over and one 2 hour bus ticket. i will use the 2 hour ticket bc i have an interview tomorrow which i can hardly muster any enthusiasm for even though it's for the place i really want to work and i was excited this afternoon.
i was going to sell some books, cds, dvds, etc, but i have to save the only bus ticket to get to psych on tuesday. and then get more so i can get home and get to group. my unemployment was claimed but they are still investigating the educational institutions i worked for. no canceled funds have become available. i tried to change the mom loan to the new school so that would be available but couldn't do it on-line and couldn't get a person on the phone and ended up trying to yell at the computer which did not understand my responses. so, i am going to call tomorrow.
i feel really silly now bc my leg hurts. i might go for a walk. as long as it's not raining. btw, check out i am what i eat for new posts.
10 comments:
You should speak to Xtina about the cutting. I remember that she used to struggle with it. A&E also...
I don't know a lot about it... but it sounds like you're aware. That's the great thing about you, you always have your eyes wide open... and you accept things.
The money thing is really limiting. Especially being that you're going through withdrawl. Out of curiousity, how much do you think smoking helps or masks your other health issues? Like... is it helping you or is it hurting you? Or is it doing both?
In my heart, I want to tell you to just stop smoking... but I know that I don't fully understand your relationship with it and why you use it. So, it would be very silly to just think that you would be able to just stop without having the result of some pretty serious health conditions.
Hi
Thank you for your honest and moving post.
I used to self harm - cutting mainly. It took me ages to get out of the habit.
I can relate to all your feelings. I have had a fairly good year so far (as opposed to last year when I was in hospital for 4 months) but today I just feel like staying in bed for a month or so.
I don't think I could go without smoking for more than a couple of hours. You're doing well.
All the best
Amber
hey amber - thanks for stopping by and for your positive words and encouragement. it sounds like you're doing pretty well, too and i really hope your kitty is ok :)
anna banana - thank you. AE called today just as i was thinking about your comment -oweowee. i used to read xtina's blog when she was struggling a lot. and wow, a hey tiger song just came on. freaky. i don't think this will escalate, i just had to recognize it to be more aware.
i know it's hard to understand. i think i can explain things pretty well with some help from a few different sites. what i am mainly being treated for is for General Anxiety Disorder and Agitated Major Depressive Disorder, you can read about it here, it's a pretty short page and if you don't want to read the whole page AMDD is the last entry and pretty much describes me: http://www.depression-guide.com/agitated-depression.ht
the common treatment for this is an anti-depressant and an anti-psychotic, when i really started to try to understand and take care of myself, i tried 3 common ones (seroquel, zyprexa and risperidal) and went back in after a decent try on each bc while i don't want depression, i don't want to be numb, either. i also was on buspar for GAD and social anxiety. i then moved to different psych who understands me better and is less by the books.
she kept me on the anti-depressant and changed me to klonipin for anxiety. she thinks that smoking is a reasonable treatment, keeping things in mind of course. other countries use a pill form "Cannabidiol: One of the main psychoactive components of cannabis. A recent study has shown cannabidiol to be as effective as atypical antipsychotics in treating some mental illnesses." (from wikipedia)
the thing with me is that not only is it effective medicinally, but i also enjoy it recreationally. i have reduced by leaps and bound, seriously. and the thing is, i can stop anytime. it's just painful. i've stopped before for different periods of time both by necessity (flying to somewhere) and choice to see what goes on. with my own experimentation, my treatment by psych and my talking openly with karapist about it, we've all found it's better for me. like, i've said to karapist, "i think i won't bring any to my dad's" and she would encourage me to bring a little bit bc she knows how i can freak out and how much it calms me.
i think i just wrote for a really long time. i hope this helps. i miss you and will be on the east from about the 7th-15th of july. coleypoo and i are going to all good in west virginia the 9th-12th and my gram's 80th bday party is the 12th also. woot! those are my definite plans so far. flying dates aren't definite yet. love *n
http://www.depression-guide.com/agitated-depression.html
ooops
oh, and i forgot to mention that my goal is to be on as few meds as possible. my first psych was great, she did give a lot of insight and was the one who narrowed the focus down to agitated depression which has totally helped overall treatment. her method was to treat each thing with medication, anti-depressant, anti-psychotic, anti-anxiety, and her goal was to get me on something for ADHD, too. i do not want to me a drugged up, numb being.
smoking helps to relax my body and mind and helps me focus and concentrate and helps me sleep. we all have thc receptors in the brain, it depends how we're wired what reaction will happen. i just thought of a funny story about my brother who only tried it a few times while still in high school, literally got super hyper, like he ran out of the house and climbed to the top of my car, it was more like how i would picture someone on speed instead of weed. hehe.
also, i have been diagnosed with insomnia (which i have a pill for but would rather not take it unless i have to), social anxiety disorder (controlled with klonipin) and ADHD (controlled with smoking and klon helps). i never used to talk about anything with friends, or even admit it to myself. now that i have accepted things, i am much more open and it's also part of the process for me, to be honest with myself and others. it's hard and i am not going to give up and i will be ok.
Wow!!!! That was so much information!
I feel like I learned a lot just from reading your comment.
I've watched things about the use of medicinal marijuana. It seems so helpful that I have a hard time understanding why anyone objects to it. It seems as crazy to me as the oppression of gay marriage. I just don't understand. Even as a non-smoker, and someone who doesn't particularly like the effect of smoking... I just don't see the big deal. It's helpful to many people physically and mentally... and it isn't so harmful when used recreationally that it poses enough of a threat to be outlawed. But you know my feelings on all of that.
I am glad that you stop smoking on occassion however. Smoking anything is terrible for your lungs. I'd be much happier if I heard that you were ingesting it in some other way. Don't people use vaporizors or something...????? (hahahha... I totally know that you're laughing at me right now.) Also, does it help your appetite at all. I know that your appetite has been really suffering with your medication.
Oh, and hey... I was once diagnosed with general anxiety disorder... it was right after my sister died. But no one every explained to me what that meant.
Sometime I get a terrible feeling of doom... and a good friend of mine told me that she gets this too and it is a result of her anxiety. I thought that was interesting.
heh, you learned something new today ;) now that i am actually taking care of myself, i like to be really aware of what i am taking and how it may help and how it may hurt. i even read about every individual plant or herb or whatever in my new supplements which was really interesting.
i feel the same way, some things just don't make any sense to me. if it doesn't affect you, leave it alone. if you don't want to get gay married, don't. if you don't want to smoke, don't. but sure all you washington fatcats, take your Rx painkillers and buy them illegally from Mexico and get a free pass. it just doesn't make any sense.
i've cut down soooo much, and when school and work start, i will cut down even more. i used to before work/school, on breaks, on the way home or if not working, i would wake up and have it be the first thing i would do bc i didn't know what to do with myself and it made me feel better. now i've been up for a while and have it sitting in front of me but waiting.
and LOL - you're so cute :) i have a water pipe which is a cleaner burn but it uses a lot more and also gets me really messed up. like one of those and i am gone, so i decided that is only for recreation when others are here, too. and i would *love* a vaporizer but they range from $100-$600 and having a better quality one is better bc it's cleaner. they are actually great bc medicinally it's exactly what you need and since it doesn't burn it up, it just heats up the crystals to vapors, you still have less potent herb left over to smoke recreationally in a joint or pipe.
i actually did notice it helped with my appetite after 5 days off. once i did again, i felt more hungry, but still low, which is ok bc my snack was raw radishes and dressing. i think the supplements are really helping out bc they have properties to boost my metabolism so what i am eating i am burning off faster and am feeling hunger. like yesterday, my stomach growled!
here is a page on GAD:
http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx24.htm - surprise, suprise, it sounds like me. i think you were probably experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which has similar symptoms of GAD but GAD is defined (from the page): "It's diagnosed when someone spends at least 6 months worried excessively about a number of everyday problems."
however, the feeling of doom, could be a symptom, it depends how often and how severe. you're aware of it so i would keep an eye on it if you're concerned. GAD comes in varying degrees, i have it severe but for milder cases there are a lot of natural remedies that can help like st. john's wort and valerian root.
thanks for being non-judgemental and trying to understand something that's really hard to understand even for the person living it.
oh, i've been in the mental health system since i was a child. once i became an adult and tried to take care of things, in NJ my appointments were usually really short and i was headed out the door with some medication.
for my current diagnosis, after being with karapist for a bit and her coaxing me to see a psych which i was totally avoiding bc of my past experiences. but i finally went and they looked at my history and i had a several hour long intake session with varying tests and stuff. it's much more comforting than, you're depressed, take this pill, you'll feel better.
You know, you know more about medicine than anyone else I've met.
Also... I think that I'm particularly susceptible to Post Traumatic Stress...
I can think of one time when I dealt with it severely... and it lasted a long time!!!!
hehe, thanks. i like learning things.
some people are more susceptible to different kinds of stress than other people.
love! *n
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