longest update ever

Friday April 24th 6pm
Without the Internet, I am at a loss for what to do with myself. So here I am writing in Word pretending it’s a blog entry. An hour to use the Internet a day is not enough for me, which is what you’re allowed at the library, even if there are empty computers, one hour time limit, today was particularly frustrating bc there were several empty computers that I could’ve used, but rules are rules, whatever. If I was just using it for fun, it’d be one thing, but I am trying to work out my financial aid dilemma, navigating from the databases and the old school and the new school and figuring out information and writing emails has taken me most the hour on most days.
My old school who was supposed to cancel all funds in the beginning of March, didn’t, then I requested they do it mid-March, didn’t, said they cancelled Spring and Summer funds for me on 3/30. Well, Summer funds show canceled (11 days after she said she submitted the request), Spring does not. I’ve talked to and emailed with the old school, the new school, the lender and the Federal Financial Aid System, supposedly everything was in order but to double check things, new school said why don’t you contact old school to make sure. So I do (again!), I get one email on Monday saying they already had been canceled. Then I get another email on Tuesday saying they just went in and cancelled Spring. Well, which is it and furthermore, WTF?!?!!! Seriously?!? They really don’t have their shit together and it’s fucking up my life not only academically and career wise, but living-wise bc that’s why I get extra money for school for costs of an Independent off-campus student, rent/Internet/phone/transportation/etc.
I can’t access the private loan money unless I want that to be my primary source of payment to the new school which I do not, so it’s sitting there waiting to be used until the federal funds show canceled and can be used. I have $9,000 for Spring schooling/housing and I can’t get any of it. What I am hoping is that I hardly use any money for classes and I get the rest refunded to me to get a little ahead, who the hell knows, I don’t and no one that works with anybody seems to either. Supposedly I have the same for summer but the dates are different. They said not to do a FAFSA for 2009-2010 yet bc I have funds allotted until September, but their academic year starts June 30th, so I think I am going to do it bc I’d rather be safe than sorry.
I was supposed to be out of my apartment on the 19th. I got an extension to provide information until today, the 24th, unfortunately there was no new news, but I sent all the info and really I’m looking to buy time. I am going to see a lawyer through the legal outreach service at OI, the clinic, on Tuesday. As long as I can buy time through people helping me, like Karapist who wrote a letter saying it would affect me detrimentally, and now my landlords know I have significant mental health issues, oh well. And the lawyer maybe could write a letter bc I bet she knows the laws and stuff which I can’t research bc I have no time to do so. AGH!!! Maybe she can contact the school and make sure, for positive, stuff is being done. Well, I have done all I can do and Tuesday I can find out more info at the lawyer. I’ve tried to talk to my family and they don’t understand. It’s hard for them to understand why I can’t access the money and won’t “loan” me anymore, this time I am just waiting until money comes through and I have every cent to pay back. I am going to try to talk to my mom again bc it’s really scary thinking I may not have a place to live and I need to keep my stress down.
With all this going on, I am trying to find a job, but have not had any luck so far. As mentioned, it’s nearly impossible to search for and apply for jobs within an hour time limit especially with other important stuff to do. I am still trying to get in touch with Portland Neighborhood House about the Teacher position I applied and interviewed for and the other one they thought I would fit for, I haven’t gotten her calls when they come in and I get her voicemail every time I call, today I told her that I am still interested and want to speak with her but if the positions aren’t open to please send back my Criminal History Registry paper, which I (foolishly) left the original of with a note saying to please copy and send back, so that I can have it when I go on other interviews. I thought the woman with the 6wk old wasn’t interested bc I didn’t hear back from her, but I got an email wondering if I was going to contact back, when I was leaving a message last week it cut off, but I assumed the message went through. I am really glad she contacted me, having that would be great and maybe they have Internet I could use while baby is sleeping ;) I handed in my corner store app, it has to go to store manager, then area manager, so I don’t expect anything on that too quickly.
Tomorrow is Earth Day festival all day, but I might try to be at the library when they open at 10 and use it for an hour and then go, but I don’t want to miss STone’s set which I don’t know when it is exactly. She’s been super busy with planning the event and with her partner mel-g moving out, she was supposed to leave Tuesday or so, but yesterday they were still getting stuff from storage. It’s strange to feel the stress of someone else affecting STone and trickling down and affecting me slightly, too.
Someone from group gave me a bunch of leads, I already applied with PP, I checked with TJ’s and they are not hiring, LensCrafters at a fancy mall is, so I will prolly go there on Monday, I need to make a list. I have to check to see if Safeway is hiring. And I am sorry, but I have difficulties with KinderCare and they mainly seem to hire infant teachers at a very poor rate of pay with very high turnover bc they are hiring constantly, but I might have to work for the corporate man. And I decided that I can’t work at AeroMark (food service for PSU) or Burgerville, I think I would be really anxious and unhappy and I think I would actually get sick from the food prep and heat. But, beggars can’t be choosers so I might go there if I can’t get anything else. I really hope to get to the computer tomorrow, and I know I can on Sunday for an hour.
Ok, I think I have successfully ranted. I wish I could blog for real.

Saturday April 25, 2009 6:30pm
I’m really sad. I am doing the best I can remember in my whole life and I am still sad. I am missing major components of my life. Working. Friends. Going out.
This week was actually pretty good in terms of doing stuff. Monday was STone’s bday at the Farm, if I could post the pictures, I would. Tuesday my bro and his band, Quartet of Happiness got into town and we went out for dinner with their friends and then hung out, walked through downtown, smoked at the waterfront, then I fell really badly bc I was foolishly trying to wear heels because I have them now from the wedding and paid $50 for them. I banged my knee pretty bad and my foot was visibly bleeding, I was freaking out in my head but trying to keep it cool and Aus-man said he couldn’t tell I was freaking. It was just a cut on my big toe that bled a lot. Then Wed. they played a show and I hung with them in the afternoon beforehand. They are amazingly awesome. Thursday I was actually really tired, I haven’t had that much energy even though I am keeping really active and trying to eat more, healthy of course, so I just stayed in. I also fell really badly on Thursday, I was carrying hot coffee and trying to sit on my couch with my stuff in front of it, I tripped over something and would’ve had a clean land except that my left upper arm slammed into the pedal of my exerbike leaving a huge bruise. Friday I went to the library and the store and was just out and about.
Today was the Earth Day celebration, I have been offering my help for ages and wanted to go early to be there for STone’s set at 11. I got the general info from the site but didn’t have time to find details. I called and wrote txts asking what time her set was. No response. I get a call at 8:30am from her. I ignored it bc I had trouble sleeping and when I did get into my bedroom my neighbors were really loudly talking and debating things until around 3am. I tried to ignore and stay calm, I tried breathing exercises, I put on music really loud yet I could hear them and the music was too loud to be calming, I put my headphones in with music and I could still hear them. I yelled a couple time, “you’re loud” figuring that if I can hear them, they could hear me, didn’t work. I can’t open the window bc the air conditioner is mounted there and I didn’t want to look through all crazy like, I thought of going over and saying they were loud, but I was in my PJs and cranky so I realized that no matter what I said would prolly come across differently than I intended. Today when I could hear them again, I looked out and it looks like people in their early 20s, I thought of going over and saying hi and making friends but also say that I can hear every word they’re saying when trying to sleep, late, after midnight, 1am, 2am, etc. but I didn’t bc the baseball game was on. I was going to stay home and watch it but figured I would go out.
It was nice to see people and hear some music, BUT, the message left at 8:30am and then another call at 9:15am from STone was that she could come pick me up bc she forgot something in SE. This bothers me bc she knew for months in advance that I wanted to help and wanted to be there for her set. Then when I got there, I missed her set bc she never let me know when it was and I missed a hip-hop set, the other thing which I would’ve really loved. She was talking about how much work she had to do with no park volunteers sent to her, um, we could’ve planned something like I mentioned many times. I told her and mel-g a while back that I was going to continue to try to hang out and try to help and would continue to express those wants and needs even if they weren’t met, this made me feel better about “feeling annoying calling so much”. I was asked to and then was handing out fliers for another festival they are holding which costs $ and I am sure I will have to pay even though I helped out and will hand out the very few I have left as well. It bums me out bc I feel like I am always secondary.
I didn’t know if or when mel-g left for CO which I found out was this morning, then I found out that they went out for mel-g’s bday last night and that really, really hurt me. I live very close to where they went for sushi and even if I didn’t eat, I would get tea and hang out. It would’ve been nice to have been asked, even if I didn’t go. STone gave me a ride home which I didn’t need bc I would’ve taken the bus but she offered, I thought she had brought me something like I had asked, but she hadn’t. I just feel really let down. I am getting to know the people they live with at the Farm a lot better and they all approach me and say “Hi Nikkol!” and give me a hug and we talk for a little bit. But without the support of my main friend there, I feel it will be hard to form further relationships outside those bounds. I always feel like my friends are embarrassed or ashamed of me or something and that they don’t want to introduce me to their other friends bc of that. I don’t know, maybe I am making things up now, but either way, I feel sad. I feel sad because I feel let down. I feel sad because I want more close relationships and don’t know how to form them. I am trying really hard and I guess sometimes no matter how hard you try you may fail, but this hurts me bc I know I am a good person with a lot to offer and I could be closer friends if just given the chance.
I am also upset bc although I did want to go to the festival, I also wanted to watch the baseball game and get to the library, which I need to do bc I need to search for jobs but I gave into what I thought would be better and I ultimately did something that wasn’t my first choice to try to get out and have some fun, yet here I am crying. I also fell again today whilst playing freestyle badminton but I did get mad style points for my dive. My right knee is horribly bruised, it was from the heel fall and this added to it.
In other news, my advisor sent me a book “Finding the Voice of your Vocation”, which I took as him wanting to be nice but basically another way of him to say “I don’t think you’ll be a successful teacher”. At first I was really angry and didn’t look at it. But then I started to read it and it kept saying we have to feel our vocation in our heart and I feel that about working with children and teaching. Maybe I am not cut out for the bullshit that comes connected with public school systems and maybe pre-school is the age I am best suited for, but that does not mean I am not able to be a successful teacher. As I continued to read the book, it resonated with me more and more, the author went through bouts of depression, it kind of bothered me the way he skewed his terms. He talked about having “Clinical Depression” which I believe is chronic, life long, not acute, short periods of time, like he experienced. He also talked about 2 kinds of depression: pre-dispositional or situational. I experience both. And many people experience situational depression, for example, people who lose their job often experience situational depression. He also said. “I can understand why some depressed people choose to kill themselves.” First, that is very dangerous territory to be writing about, especially since it’s supposed to be a book on spiritual guidance, what if someone who is experiencing really bad depression read that and acted? Also, too often mental illnesses label a person, instead of saying “depressed people” he could have said “people with depression”. People with physical conditions don’t say “I am cancer(ed)” but rather “I have cancer”. It’s a way of looking at mental illness as a part of one’s self rather than the identity of one’s self. I am not discounting his struggles but the terminology was not all there for me. Anyway, the book made me think more about what my gifts are and how I can share them, one of the best gifts I can give and receive is to help someone who can’t help them self. I broke this down into categories of children, elderly, physically or mentally sick or disabled people. I do not think I would be doing my best for myself or the people I was working with if I worked with sick or elderly, narrowing that down to children. The book has helped me to clarify my desire to help others, specifically children. That may have been the opposite of what was desired or intended when it was sent to me but whatever, like my bro said “it’s a nice gesture even if he is kinda a jerk.”
I kind of feel like drinking but I don’t know, I don’t want anything to bring me down bc I want to do stuff tomorrow. I haven’t eaten really and need some vegetables so maybe I will get some wine, too, when I walk to the store, too. Tomorrow I want to get to the library for an hour devoted to job searching and applying which will be ample time, meh. I am going to call the woman with the 6wk old. (who is actually prolly 2months now bc it’s been 2 weeks from when Karapist and her talked) I might go to the mall to apply for jobs, but I might wait until Monday to do that bc I don’t like too many people. I also want to get to Target bc I have a $30 gift card and really need these nuts and bolts so that I don’t have an upside down recliner in my house plus other things like shampoo and TP, fun shopping spree. Oh!, I figured out I can bring my memory stick to the library and post this and then also have my resumes and cover letters to modify and send, too. I decided that I am going to write a new cover letter expressing what I did above. Word.

Monday April 27, 2009
I was super tired Sat. and Sun., but, I did fall asleep both Sat. and Sun. without the aid of any substances, no smoking, no drinking, no sleeping pills. Last night I only slept for like 4/5/6 hours but I feel okay today, still tired, but I’d rather be up and take a nap later or fall asleep early. I’ve been getting into a bad habit of watching daytime talk shows again, I didn’t intend to, they start and then I get pulled in and I want to know what happened with the heroin addicted mom that didn’t see her kids in 5 year or to the man who beat a pregnant woman but says “the baby’s in her stomach, I didn’t punch her in the stomach.” I can’t stand it, but I can’t seem to turn it off.
My I-Tunes keeps skipping which makes no sense and it’s annoying me, CDs skipping, yes, a program on the computer that doesn’t even have Internet stuff like updates and crap, no, doesn’t make sense. Pwhwhwhw
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my past. My school money is still up in the air and I talked to my mom this wkend and she wrote me an angry text that she was sending a check today. I actually asked her to just pay my rent, not send me money, because as I grow more, I desire more to not follow the same bad patterns that I have with everything, money always being a big issue. I don’t blame anyone, but I think a lot. My dad didn’t want us to move all the fucking way across the country and he was a truck-driver doing as many miles as he could and playing music to try to make extra money. He then met J, my step-mom of over 20years and while paying child support to us and trying to be as much a dad as he could from 3,000miles away and he also took on the responsibilities of her 3 children from a previous marriage while trying to keep my half-sister in check and off meth but she continued to steal and do drugs and get caught and in huge trouble with the police and is still not allowed in the state of WA, unfortunately, no one had high hopes but while she was laying on a table pregnant about to get an abortion, she came back to life in that moment and didn’t have the abortion and turned her life around. She is a huge success story, clean and sober with a 9 year old son and husband, trying to clear all her legal problems from the past. That was a tangent.
And then there’s my mom. I am sure she got pressure from her parents in NJ as she pressures me today, so we moved to NJ when I was 8. I know she was married and divorced with 2 children so it’s a bit different, but I wish she could understand that I struggle just as she did. There we moved into her parent’s house, her not having to pay for rent and then when she did get a job, she didn’t have to pay for child-care bc we lived with my grandparents. It seems so odd to me that she got and still gets so much help from her parents, yet she yells and is angry at me when I need help. I know I am a fuck up. Fuck up supreme. But I am trying to change. After a while, we got our own place, but she was still working and then attending nursing school, so I was taking care of myself and my little brother. Making meals. Cleaning. Getting us up and to school on time. Making sure we had our work done. I didn’t really have any time to be a kid. In addition to that, as soon as I was old enough and capable I was babysitting and paying for my own stuff, even clothes if I wanted them or to go out to the movies with my friends. I never received any monetary compensation for all the work I did around the house or with my bro and I didn’t get money from my family for going out like it seemed like all my “normal” friends did. As soon as I turned 16, I was working as much as I could. All this time, getting straight A’s in school from K on, not getting any praise really bc it was expected of me bc everyone knew I was smart. So fucking what, some recognition would’ve been nice, the only time I did get any feedback about my grades was when I purposely tried to fail gym and some other class in 7th or 8th grade, I got an F in gym and either a C or D in something else, I had to try hard to fail to get attention. The expectations of me were very, very high and although I had been diagnosed with mental illness within the first 5 years of my life, when I had episodes, my family would lament on how good an actress I was, as if I was acting, and if I was I would have a fucking Oscar by now, bc my performance as a teenager with severe mental illness was grand. If I hadn’t been as smart, I would’ve been in a mental institution, but I knew how to manipulate the answers I was giving to psychologists and psychiatrists to keep me “free”. It was hard on everyone.
And then there is my brother, the prodigal son. I love him to death, but I’ve been thinking about him in the past, too. I realized that he has never had a job in his life. When he was in 8th grade and I was in 11th, we were both really messed up mentally. He was having hallucinations and when I tried to talk to him he looked possessed. He came in and out of these trance like states. I didn’t care if he did drugs, but he insisted that he didn’t and I know he wasn’t doing drugs. He then started having visions of an Indian telling him to do things. One was to start a fire, he talked to me while in a trance about how the Indian wanted him to start a fire and I asked where the Indian was and he said “right there, you can’t see him?”, I played like I could and said that the Indian told me he didn’t want him to start fires. Then the Indian started talking to him about taking his own life. He had good friends who reported this to a guidance counselor and he was put in an institution and was determined to have had a psychotic break. This crushed my mom, I think she felt that I was too far gone, so she put all her energy into my bro. By the time he was older, my mom was no longer working and going to school, she had completed school and was working FT as an RN, around a lot more and more able to provide more. My brother never had to work a job, ever, he always got what he needed from my mom. Then as I was back then a decent musician, my bro looked up to me and started to play music. When he found the drums, he found his calling. He was able to get a full scholarship for both a BA and MA in Music and started making money playing gigs and has continued on that path and is an extremely successful musician and person. He struggled during HS and college, too, sometimes anxiety or other issues got the better of him, but he had made strong bonds with his teachers who guided him not only in music, but in life. He became very centered within himself, something I am still working towards today. Since he is such a success, he got and gets whatever he wants or needs.
By this time for me, I was lost, suffering and not properly taking care of myself.
I was expected to succeed and when I didn’t, I didn’t get encouragement, I got reprimanded bc “we know you can do so much more.” I made a lot of bad choices and I didn’t think about the consequences of my actions, I didn’t think about how they were affecting people around me or how they would affect me in the future. I didn’t care about anything and I spent beyond what I had, caring only about satisfying my need in that moment, I didn’t know it at the time, but I know it now, looking back. I tried to go to therapy with several different counselors and all they ever wanted to do was talk about my “drug problem” which was not the root cause of my issues, I was using and abusing drugs bc they made me feel better and helped me escape from my ever moving, fucked up mind. I agreed to take medication, something I never did growing up bc my mom and dad didn’t want to treat me with meds and I didn’t really want to either. I was put on a tricyclic anti-depressant (really strong) and I no longer felt depression, but I didn’t feel anything. I would rather feel something even if it is painful than be numb. Since I didn’t have good care, I just stopped taking them which didn’t help things. I continued to do drugs, had risky relationships and struggled with “real life”.
After college, I keep futilely trying, then decided that I would move to Portland where I live today. I moved bc I wanted to live somewhere less hectic with more open outdoors and I desired a better way of life. Moving didn’t accomplish that. I hopped from job to job, not doing anything I was remotely interested in. As a matter of fact, I was very suicidal, I thought about it all the time. I had pills lined up. I walked along freeway bridges and thought about how quick it could be over. I walked with one leg dipping off a huge cliff. I looked obsessively at the blue veins in my wrists. I went to the clinic to get allergy medicine and the doctor referred me to therapy, it was that obvious how poorly I was doing. The clinic literally saved my life. I started seeing Karapist and after a bit she wanted me to see psych, I fought it for a long time. Since I have a lot of issues and it’s hard to get a clear read on me, I became human guinea pig on tons of different meds and almost gave up, but kept with it and now am very happy with my treatment and my efforts. I also realize now how all my past actions are affecting me today. I am trying so fucking hard to get things in order and it’s hard. It’s hard to find a job especially since I haven’t held a long term one in Portland and we have one of the worst job markets ever. School is going to happen soon and I am psyched about the route I have chosen with that.
My whole point of this is that I wish my family could understand me better and know that I recognize my mistakes and am trying to make good on them and not fuck up in the future. I don’t want to have to ask for money but I also don’t want to worry about not having a place to live or a phone to get in contact with family, friends and potential jobs. I want any job, and if I get it, I will keep it no matter how much I might dislike it at the time I am there. I know it’s not going to be permanent and when shift is over I can leave it there instead of taking it with me. I am trying. I am trying really hard. I still have a lot of maintenance to do on my own, medication and therapy helps, but I have to keep in check constantly to not go over the edge. I can imagine it’s hard to understand, I am the one living it and I am still confused.
Besides school and work, I really want some friends and to be involved in things on my own and with people. I want a boyfriend. I want to get involved in some dance, hip-hop and/or bollywood. I want to do some yoga at a studio. I want to go rock-climbing. I want to write a memoir. I want to start sewing and making things again. Ultimately, I want to be happy.
These “posts” have all been hella long.