declaration of independence

I, the person named Nikkol Zianna, hereby declare FREEDOM from my own mind.

I think i am actually going to write a real declaration will my goals. yesterday i was walking and i was thinking too much so i tried to stop thinking and for a few steps i was saying lalalalalala but then i was like, oh cool, i'm not thinking, oh dammit, now i am thinking about not thinking.

i haven't been feeling well, at all. i might be sick but i can't tell. my temp has been like 96-97.5 highest so i think i am fighting something and sort of winning bc i haven't gotten a fever. i know it's a combination of ridiculously bad allergies. to assist with this, i have been flushing my sinuses with salt water, it's gross and chunks of stuff come out and i cough up stuff. i also have been drinking tons of water, taking sudafed and at night benadryl. but i wake up coughing, stuffed up and miserable. in addition, i have been really stressed which is causing a lot of muscle tension in the upper back, shoulders, neck and head. for school, i still do not have a good place to sit and do work. i don't take enough breaks to get up and walk around, i just start and keep on working. which makes me stiff and sore. i stretch. i use a heat pad. i lay on my feldenkraus block. i use my trigger point pro. i take advil, tylenol. still i hurt.

monday was a bad day. i was all anxious bc it was my first day of work. i found stuff on-line to use and was trying to keep calm on my way there. i got there and even though i requested 1) a cart and 2) specifically the lap-top cart, i didn't get either. i really can't believe how disorganized it is. we were all rushing around trying to get stuff done. i had to walk around carrying instruments multiple times, to and from the storage room, to the room for the sc bc i can't leave them anywhere, and then carry them and try to set up in a different room for the class while greeting and taking attendance with no time for transition. 3:05 ends one and 3:05 starts the other. there should be a few minutes to change up. ugh.

for study center, e and i didn't have an attendance list for 30 students and the room had chairs up on the tables. it was absolute chaos. the kids were not listening and even though i was trying to use some of the stuff from training, e just yelled things, mostly focusing on what they couldn't do, not what they could do, "Please raise your hand" instead of "don't call out" is more positive. the kids were trying to answer different names when i was taking attendance, super cool. then, i was actually trying to do the activity i had planned and it was going ok until one kid came up and started to cross the tic marks out making the next step of counting them impossible. i got super frustrated and said, 'why did you do that? did you think it was ok? would you like it if i ruined your work?' to which i got sarcastic remarks and only one kid giggled, everyone else was clearly upset with him saying, 'no he wouldn't like it'. i said this is supposed to be a fun, learning place, but it could be a boring, silent place to just work on homework. ugh.

then i had world music. it actually went fairly well. if i had had Internet, watching and discussing the things i found would have filled up the 20 minutes i had left in the hour. i learned something, after talking about 5 different sized gourd drums, i made the mistake of putting a bucket of different percussion instruments on the floor, do not put multiple instruments in front of 14 children. OMG, more chaos. then we were going to have a quite listening thing but not everyone would be quiet. so they asked if i had hip-hop, like beyonce or ashanti and i said i had underground hip-hop and then played them some aesop rock. they were with the beat. they asked if there were bad words and i said maybe. but i played a dramatic song with a long intro. there was one kid who i tried to ignore, but he made me really made when he referred to african americans by saying 'rap music is for chocolate people'. i got so mad and said 'don't you ever say that again' and the class asked what he said (he was flailing around in the back while everyone else was in the circle or near it) and i said it wasn't going to be repeated. they got it. he later was throwing koosh balls around and i heard him say fuck. i did not sign up for this. i have visited and volunteered in other SUN classes and was informed in training of the positivity of the teachers and students. i did not expect them to be so rude. our supervisor had to come in during study center and say she was not happy with the low level of respect that was being displayed by them. it sucked.

i didn't even blink an eye and it was already 5pm, we are supposed to be done by 4:30. i had to leave to get to group and did so pretty abruptly. group was good. i am getting tired of typing, so i will give more detail on that later. i cried and they all agreed to give up child care, one guy said he would give me $25 a week if it came down to it. the headache kept growing and growing. i went to s&s's house for dinner and felt better hanging out with people but still shitty. by the time i got home i was writhing in and crying from pain. i tried to be calm. i felt awful. at 9am after not sleeping, i wrote an e-mail out of work. i decided my health was more important. i relaxed and went to jme's house later, again feeling better around friends but still shitty. bringing up another point. that i need to prioritize. if i have school work due, i shouldn't go to friends until it's done. i got home at like 10, watched some tv, went to bed with headache but took medicine, woke up feeling like ass. coughing up stuff, congested, headache from hell persisting. at 11, i wrote out of work. i feel crummy. i am going to relax. but try to be productive with school work and moderate cleaning and walking to the store not carrying too much home. and try to work tomorrow. fudgesicles.