update-a-diddily-do

Ned Flanders has taken over my brain momentarily, most likely due to the hours and hours of endless Simpsons I still continue to watch. I was thinking about it and how it's really one show i can watch over and over and over again, that point has been proven in full force. The mundane: I still haven't gotten my damn remote fixed and haven't been able to talk to anyone, but I will get credit, I will get credit, I'm up to $45 on the daily basis and it's only $54 a month!

I haven't seen Karapist in a month bc one week it was canceled bc of weather, then the next two were Christmas and New Years week and we were both away or whatever and then I was supposed to have one on Monday night but I didn't go. I had already told her I couldn't do that time anymore bc of class and I actually had checked my email that afternoon, but she didn't write until like 4pm so I didn't get it until the next day as I wasn't communicating with people regularly. I really need her, I actually was crying for her one night when i couldn't sleep. It's just good to be able to talk it out and cry if needed with a non-biased party or anyone really. I've been feeling extremely lonely. I guess the whole no phone thing doesn't help that.

I had a good trip up to my dad's but I was irritable the whole time because I hadn't been sleeping beforehand and then I had to be up and going early and was just forcing myself on like 4-6 hours sleep max. The weather was really terrible at my dad's also, so we couldn't really go anywhere, usually i can run to the store or go to N&M's to hang but we were homebound. My bro had a show on Sat. in Portland, so we travelled down and that was fun, STone was just getting home, too, so we illed for a bit, I really wanted her to come to the show, but she was just getting home from her parents and has her stuff in storage and at various friends houses as she and Mel-g just got a new place at The Farm starting January, so I know they are dealing with moving crap. My bro got a new recorder for Christmas and made a recording of the show, it was really awesome, so I'll share with her next time we ill. I brought a tiny bit of green with me and indulged at night which was really good, but during the day I was in such pain bc of traveling back and forth on buses, trains, minivans and not getting any exercise and trying to stretch but then over-exerting and waking up in more pain the next day. My brother also pointed out all my moods and thought it strange that my best qualities come out at 9pm when everyone else is winding down.

I also didn't get to play poker with the cousins on Christmas which I make fun of, but it is fun and I missed it. my dad really didn't want to pick me up on the way to get Aus-man at the airport bc of the weather which wasn't that bad in town, not the foothills where they live. i was making arrangements to go with other people and have them drop me off, and my dad said to just go and they'd pick me up. I could tell this isn't what he wanted so I said that since it would be easier I would just stay. So, after being there at noon and hanging out til 7, everyone was leaving and then it was me, dad&jane, grama&pa and aunt leone for what seemed like some of the longest 2.5 hours of my life.

I also didn't get to go out on New Years which was to a house party, the reasoning behind this one was that the driveway was too hard to get in and out of. i did want to hang out with my brother, but we also had k staying over and we pretended new years at 9pm for her and then jane went to bed. aus and dad had one glass of wine and called it a night. so here it is, 10pm, new years eve, all alone, wide awake and bored as hell.

I got home on Thursday night and I was a bum, I ordered pizza, I smoked myself silly and I slept until Friday. here is where change could've happened, or Saturday or Sunday, but no, I got myself so freaking worked up about everything: focusing only on the negatives of my visit, my piss-poor attitude, my mood swings, wondering endlessly what the hell is wrong with me when i try to do everything right (psst-you have severe mental illess that takes lots of work to deal with-you're doing great), was it right or wrong quitting the tutor job bc 6 hours of bus time for 3 hours of work time every other week for a paycheck of $60 a month really doesn't seem worth it to me, etc, etc, etc. all the while trying to shut off my brain with smoking, which works temporarily, but that's no way to live either. By this time I had fallen into the habit of smoking at any waking hour, one extreme to the other, something I really need to break bc it sucks everytime. Then there were classes on Mon and Tues and wouldn't you know it, I had freezing, horrible anxiety, I wanted to go so bad, I was fighting with myself, just go, it's better if you just go until it got too late and I didn't go.

today I got up with a new mindset: that of positive action and not getting overwhelmed. I stretched. I tried to go for a walk, but it was too windy, scary windy, like pieces of trees were flying around. I went on the computer a little. I went to the UPS store bc my brother left his toiletries here which he realized had his retainers, the library and the store. I spent more time on the computer tying up all loose ends with school and some time relaxing, cleaning and bringing garbage out. I am ready for whatever the world has in mind for me tomorrow. but first: some tea, my new heating pad and then a good night's sleep.

btw, my photos are up at flickr Enjoy!