should've posted yesterday

but oh well. no looking back. i realize that when i should write the most for therapeutic reasons i don't. so, i'm going to try to change that.

yesterday was a tough day for me. i decided to listen to jeff buckley in the morning on the way to work which was a bad idea. when 'last goodbye' came on i totally thought of bo and cried. on the bus. a lot. it was like closure though so i feel good about it. work was just one of those days where things just didn't click. nap, again, was the most stressful time of the day for the kids that 1) need sleep, 2) need rest, 3) like quiet, alone time and for teachers because it just sucks. in particular was one child who allllll day was saying 'i'm tired' and then was screaming and making noises at nap time and would not sleep even though he was soooo tired. erg.

when i got home i decided to flirt a little. fail. idk what the hell i am doing, i guess having fun, but come on, me separate emotions from situations and not over-analyzing anything? come on. not me. working on it, but my emotions are all tangled up in there like a messy web. there was talk of a mood stabilizer a while back but i haven't taken sleeping pill since april and don't want to add anymore meds. oh, so yeah, last night, i layed in bed and smoked a lot and watched many episodes of lost. which pisses me off and intrigues me. i somewhat wonder if they wrote it while going along or if it's like totally super genius and i'm only catching glimpses as i am still in the first season, about half way through. also, the first 4 seasons are being removed from netflix stream 9/1 so i want to watch as much as possible before i have to get it on dvd.

today i was super agitated when i woke up. not a fun feeling. then work was good, as per usual. after i had to do walk-in for psych bc i lost my scheduling rights this month bc i didn't give 48hours notice last time, they're cracking the whip. i was there for like 4 hours, wheee. when i first got there, gm from old group was there and is so pushy and won't listen to anyone about it. i just ended going to starbucks with her, not getting anything, drinking homemade iced coffee while she complained about money and everything else. it passed an hour but i really just wanted to sit and stare and listen to music and do paperwork and not hear someone else bitch that quit group and individual bc she can't get over herself when i would gladly take an individual. grr, getting irritated again. no fun.

psych knows me eerily well, i mean it is her job, but like, really, a lot. we talked about work and she thinks i should continue to focus on that. she thinks that if i go back to school i will sabotage myself by taking on too much as i have done before. i agree, but, i do need to like, make things official or whatever. i think i will pursue other avenues for education bc on-line has no structure and i like my job and thinks it pays okay. i was shaking and she asked if i was outta klon which i am not, but i have to stay on the same dumb dose, but i know taking more isn't the best solution but i can actually feel it making me feel better, less agitated in mind and body by being less tense. argh. i also need to socialize bc i have the potential to lock myself in my house and smoke too much. does she know me, or does she know me. i told her i am worried about how much i worry, lol, so i am supposed to get a cognitive behavior workbook from karapist at group on monday.

i want to go see some music. i think i am going to.