current events

i'm still awake. and this time i am forcing myself to stay up so that i can go to the walk in psych clinic at 1pm. a lot of times after fighting all night with sleep, i'll get up but not have coffee, bc, i want to sleep if i don't have to do anything, and then fall asleep at like 9/10am and wake up at like 4pm, too late to do anything 'normal' humans do. but i made oatmeal with raisins and coffee and am trying to function.

i also have to go to the dhs office to hand in my app for food stamps and i think they can do ohp there, too, but since i already applied, i think i have to do it through the clinic. i don't know. i kind of want to stay here bc i know my new free phone will be arriving sometime before 3pm. my plan was to go to dhs at like 8 when it opened but i couldn't get the umph to go. it just depressed me thinking of all the poor people and families, it's never fun to go there, no more on no sleep at 8am.

i am confused by unemployment but was advised to not think about it bc logic doesn't apply. but let me explain it to you anyway. when i applied when i lost my job sept 20th i applied using a regular base year but wasn't eligible and authorized an alternate base year which i also wasn't eligible for, either. so, i talked to a human (finally) who was really nice and told me that if i started a new claim dated after 10/1 i would be eligible. but, um, that is the same dates and info as the alternate base year one i was just denied for. i still can't wrap my head around it, but it is what it is. anyway, if they approve me after i fill out another 'why i was discharged' forms, i will get $116/week for hopefully only 2 weeks, because...

i am working wed-friday 8-5 =) they want to make sure i am a good fit. and also they want to make sure the commute and other logistics work for me. very smart. they're organized. i like that. and nice. i like that, too. i'm totally excited, but can't seem to muster any excitement right now.

i went 4days and then it was my bday weekend and then i went 11 more days in a row without smoking and was totally cool. but then thurs i went to a friends house and had a few bong hits and was like, this is great, so i got a bag but friday and saturday were big baseball games and i just sat and smoked without even thinking about it. on sunday when i looked i was shocked that i only had like 2 bowls left. this is an impulse control thing, but more so a binge behavior thing. i noticed that when i wasn't smoking i was eating, like grossly, i would have a serving of mac n cheese with broccoli but then i stood over the pot as i was about to put it away for leftovers and ate the whole pot full using the serving spoon, standing, in the kitchen. i also ate a 1/2 gallon container of ice cream by myself in 2 days. when i drank a 22oz beer after getting off anti-biotics, i went out and got another 12oz. sigh. a male groupie told me that he saw either gluttony or abstinence which is very true. i needs to learn me some moderation. i have become really aware and actually want to change my behaviors and habits.

i cleaned a lot in the kitchen and living room. i actually threw stuff away, not just moved it all to another spot. i got rid of my broken, hand-me-down, la-z-boy bc, well, it's broken and i never sat in it, just used it for storage. i have kids books and toys and school binders and a box of crafting stuff on my couch now, but i have a shelf outside to put that stuff on. i think i want to rearrange, but thing is, i can't move the tv/entertainment center (read: someones woodworking project with a slanted side) bc of the cables so options are limited. i am happy with my progress and plan to continue it and then maintain cleanliness. like maybe set a schedule or something. that could be helpful. i could make a chore chart! and give myself gold stars!

i just found out that ANTM is on, i've missed 6 episodes! my digital converter box stopped working over the summer and i tried everything to get it working and then gave up bc it was frustrating and i can get practically everything on-line. i did, however, try to fix this again last night. and i found the box with instructions and warranty so i should be able to get a replacement. erg.