i had these plans for like ever and i really wanted to go so on Saturday night i went out to see a band called Commotion!
S, best man in bros wedding is bass player and R who went to school with aus is drummer and I know some of the other players. M, R's wife was there and that was rad bc she is super fun and snarky and it was fun to hang with her and some of her teacher friends =) so i wanted to get a buzz on but didn't want to pay $4 for a beer when i have delicious ones here, so i decided to bring one and drank it at the transfer bus stop, super classy. then i got there and it was horribly crowded so i stood in the drink line thinking of how miserable i was and that i hate going out, when i saw R and M. I got a beer and went over and felt a lot better. i don't like being alone in crowded places is a better synopsis. M's friend bought us drinks. so i had a 3rd beer. this was in a short time. a little later, M bought me a gin and tonic. then i was gonna close my tab and asked M if she wanted a drink and she did, so i got one for her and another gin and tonic. i told 2 people loudly that i had a crush on jesse, which i do and we've hung out a bunch but he's tall and skinny and i'm awkward and socially inept, so that's how that's going. i did not remember the old adage: beer before liquor, never been sicker. i puked when i got home but went right to bed and thought i would be okay.
Sunday morning i woke up feeling like ass. i was hungover and my ears hurt, although i did wear ear plugs. i decided orange juice sounded good. my body didn't like it. i proceeded to get really hot and dizzy, puke, get freezing, lay down and repeat from like noon until 6pm. i never soaked up the alcohol and then i put the most acidic thing on earth on top. after a while, i tried to eat bread, it worked but then i puked that up which was super unpleasant. around 8pm i was able to stomach some diet coke and bread. then i couldn't sleep bc my ears are throbbing bc of the inner ear effusion. i hope this doctor on wednesday is a miracle worker.
i took a benadryl and slept or drug addledly layed on the floor in my living room at some point bc there were pillows and a blanket when i got up today. i don't feel rested even though all i did was rest. i really wanted to self harm by biting myself or digging my nails into my skin, but i chewed gum and resisted scratching by being mindful of it, good job, me!
i got up today and talked to my mom who made me cry, a lot. she berated me about how the same thing keeps happening and 'how many daycares are there out there anyway' and 'oh, on-line school' and that i only ever call her for money which is not true. i have been making a valiant effort to strengthen our relationship (btw - my bro has been having issues with her, too) i mentioned how much help she has gotten and does get from her parents and that i didn't understand why she didn't want to help me. then she called me back and said 'i know you want to be happy and i know you are trying and i guess you do have some real issues', which from my mom, i'll take it. she said she would send me money and i really don't want to have to ask ever again. right now my physical and mental health are the most important thing to me and i would think a parent who is a nurse would want to help their child rather than having them in pain and financially struggling.
god, i am tense. my muscles are like rocks which i am sure is doing wonders for body aches and pain. breathe. calm. i'm awesome.
5 comments:
I'm sure that it's very difficult for your mom to process everything that's going on with you. For how much you have struggled, you mom and dad both struggle to. But there's nothing that they can really do to help, and I'm sure that kills them. Your mom probably isn't able to deal with it... so she just tries to minimize what's going on in your life because it's much easier to think that you're just doing this, or going through something, or being irresponsible than to believe that you have actualy, real, chemical things. After all, if it' simply behavioral, she can hold onto the hope that she can give you some tough love and you'll "snap out of it." But if it's chemical than not only is there nothing that she can do... but she may have contributed to it.
That's how I think... and I'm pretty sure that I can speak for many parents when I say that.
I can not wait for a dr. to have a look at your ears.
Also, when you get sick from alcohol... you REALLY get sick. I can remember a few posts like this. And it's always like you've got something else too... which makes me wonder if you do. LIke, maybe you have some sort of flu or something. That just doesn't seem like enough alcohol to make you that sick. It must be because you were already feeling gross... :(
Things are going to be okay. I am proud of you for talking to your mom and not self-harming and especially proud of you for being able to go to the RX and out with friends when you were feeling depressed. It says a lot about your growth.
xoxoxooxoxxoxxo
hey thanks for that perspective! i never really, like really, looked at it from her point of view. and you're right, it, or rather i am probably hard to deal with and she did try to get me help growing up, i was resistant so now admitting my issues for real and doing all the treatment is laborious for me and hard for her to witness.
more later, i gotta go to the clinic...
ok, i'm back. also it's probably hard for her bc i was so irresponsible for so long. i didn't admit i had problems, i self medicated by doing tons of drugs and was generally reckless in my behavior. sigh. and as for my dad, i don't talk to him about my issues the way i do with my mom, with whom i am brutally honest and i can't imagine listen to someone you love hyperventilate can be pleasant =/
ok, i didn't think it was that much to drink either? it was also over 4+ hours. i didn't feel sloppy drunk. honestly, i felt fine. i think puking once when i got home was bc i only had oatmeal and drank a decent amount. the next day i really think the OJ irritated me. but also, i've been reading that bad ear problems can cause vomiting so they may've been affected by the loud music and even though i had ear plugs in, i'm not supposed to have stuff in my ears so that could've actually hurt my ears in a different way. tomorrow! ear doctor, yes!
and thanks a lot! be proud of my accomplishments no matter how small! LOVE!!!!!!!!!
I like how much you're blogging, Nikkol! I love keeping up with you this way!
I hope that you don't feel that I'm implying that you are a burden to your mom in any way. I am proud of you and I think that you're a wonderful example of someone who is proactive in her healthcare. I just imagine that it's hard for your mom not to be able to be with you to support you and maybe her way of expressing that isn't helpful and her way of processing it isn't healthy? I don't know what the correct phrasing is, maybe displacement? Like, she isn't able to process the emotions that go with everything that you are dealing with on your own so she has to minimize things and sometimes says hurtful things? Does that make sense?
xoxo
heh, thanks, i plan to keep it up!
no i didn't think you were implying anything, no one else said anything from her side, just that i was lucky to have her which i am.
and thanks, it feels good to take care of myself even though it's super hard work. and it will continue. i really think a sleep aid or a mood stabilizer will help me, while i do show patterns of behavior, i feel that my over arching emotions end up getting me further in, i don't know how to explain it. we'll see what psych has to say next year. love that joke.
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