what the hell am i doing?

as i was washing vomit off of dirty dishes, i asked myself: what am i doing? when i ask myself the question and try to answer, i cry. i don't know what i'm doing. but i know i'm fucking up. fucking up my life more so than it already is. one of my biggest fears is failure and right now one of my greatest fears is being realized in a self-fulfilling prophecy: "I can't do this" aka I am going to fail and what am i doing? failing.

when i wake up in the morning, instead of being excited at the new day, i start thinking about what i haven't done, what i need to do, what i am going to do first and a million other thoughts. my body can't contain all this and i vomit and cry. my thoughts have made me physically ill. shaking this off is not an easy task, i often lay in bed crying and hoping that i can fall back asleep so i don't have to think. i rarely am able to sleep and start my day with out enough sleep, my body depleted of nutrients and no appetite let alone healthy food to replenish myself. even water makes me want to throw up again.

then comes school. i want this so bad. i *know* i can do it. but i am not doing anything. and i don't even understand why. i sit at the computer and try to do work and i can't focus. i try to read and i get a chapter done or fall asleep with it on my chest at a time where i obviously need the sleep but shouldn't be sleeping at that time. i've fallen asleep in the mid-afternoon like this and missed going to class because i didn't intend to fall asleep so i didn't set an alarm and then miraculously when i can't sleep at night for a lengthy amount, i sleep for 4 hours straight and wake up at the start of class. fuck. and it's not like i can just go and be late, it takes more than an hour to get there and buses don't run all the time so then i frantically check to see what time i would be there, go back and forth in my mind whether i should go or not go and then cry and scream with no control over my emotions and ultimately decide that getting there that late wouldn't be beneficial to me or anyone else and not go and am mad at myself the entire time i didn't go and afterwards, too. and when i try to read or do work, the anger takes over and focus is lost.

on top of all that, mama needs a job. i paid most stuff until december 1st, but the time just keeps on pounding through, not creeping up, barrelling past at lightning like speed. it's promising that i am getting replies and interviews, but i am sacrificing other uber important things, like visiting my 4th graders which i feel like i have messed up so much on. i love my cooperating teacher and i think we'll work really well together, but she hasn't seen the real me. she's seen the 'ok, i was already behind bc of placement but let's get going' me, the 'oh shit, i am trying to keep it together' me, the 'i only slept 2 hours / puked all over myself / have 103 fever and cancel at the last minute' me and now the 'i have to get a job while trying to juggle this, too' me. none very flattering. we've spoken and i've explained stuff to her, but actions speak louder than words. and through all this i feel like a big jerk. not only am i letting myself down. i am letting others down. i don't want to do that. i want to be as strong and confident as i know i am deep down and let others see that, too.

i've gone over my options but haven't written them out, here we go. moving to NJ is not going to happen. i love my mom and my family there, but i hate the environment, too many cars, too many people. moving up to WA is not great either, although an option. their house is awesome and away and that would be relaxing, but i've already talked to dad and j and i'd be forced right into a 40hour/wk job in the closest town of monroe doing something that will most likely not interest me unless i start liking trucks and guns a lot so that i could buy myself a car bc i can only borrow theirs until i get enough money to buy a car. ok, well, if i am working and saving money i want it to be for something i want and will better my future, not for a crappy used car to get me to and from a job i don't like. i've been there before, it's not good. plus j just had knee replacement surgery and needs help around the house and when dad's treatments start again in january i don't know if i could handle helping him and cleaning his soiled underwear as i was able to in the past when i was up there for them. then there is staying here and trying to find a full time job which i've done before and it hasn't changed things for the better bc i would get into it for a bit and then start hating it and my life and start asking myself 'why am i not doing something that i want to do?'. which brings me back to school. i am going to school so that i can have a successful career that i enjoy. i worked hard to get into grad school. i spent a lot of time and money on applications and tests and such and now that i am in it, i need to step up to the plate, for real. and yeah, it's really hard, but i can take the challenge, i just need to get past this fear and start doing it. (notice all the 'i' sentences about school?)

so that pretty much brought me back full circle and the conclusion is: End Fear. Start Doing. and maybe you'll ENJOY LIVING!