library again

present: i am at the library. I have headphones on and music loud. this girl next to me was talking on the phone. i coughed. i said excuse me very politely. i said excuse me less politely. she rolled her eyes and began complain about me on the phone. i said could you please take your call outside. she didn't end her call then. i almost got up and said something to the workers but i didn't. when she finished she snapped at me and said 'i was on the phone with my mom'. i didn't say anything. it's very clearly posted to turn your phones to silent and to take calls to the vestibule. i ask again: what has happened to common courtesy? is this a thing of the past?

Friday May 15, 2009 11pm

I am cleaning up my computer and I found this. I don’t think it’s another “poem” of mine but I can’t determine what song it may be and usually I know lyrics and can recognize songs and artists, so whoever you are, maybe even past me, props.

“The Streets”

Cuz this world swallows souls and when the blues unfold it gets cold

Solids burn holes

You’re going mad, perhaps you always were,

But when things was good you just didn’t care

This is called irony

When you most need to get up you got no energy

Time and time shit’ll happen with dark sheets and rapping

But no one’s listening, you a’int alive

Just trying to stay positive
Just trying to stay positive
Just trying to stay positive
Just trying to stay positive
Just trying to stay positive

I hope you understand me

Positivity”

I am burning all my pictures to disc. I have done this in the past, but instead of adding, I decided it would be easier to just do a new disc. It’s gonna take 2 discs. It’s making my music on i-tunes not sound awesome, like it’s slowing down. Boo. It sucks that my computer can’t handle playing music and doing other functions. But it is 6years old and going strong! I now want to do a survey and I just deleted one. Now I am trying to restore it, but I swept it all clean. Oh well. Um, I want to listen to music. I’ve been thinking of selling my cd’s bc I am so poor, but I can’t back them all up on disc and I would be devastated if I lost them off the puter.

Saturday May 16, 2009 6pm

Allergies suck. They hurt my face, make me tired and I feel like drugged out or something without all the cool fun high experience. I take an antihistamine everyday, am taking all these natural supplements and tinctures and am flooding my face with salt water to try to clear out and then bleeding and coughing up black chunks. And still I am needing to take Sudafed. I would much rather just have a freaking nasal inhaler. I am getting to the angry point about this and am going to get one somehow, steroids or not, I’ve been using them for like whoa, 20years and I still have my septum and nose in tact. I can’t wait until I have insurance and can get shots which are actually like a vaccine, they inject the mixture you are allergic to and then your body begins to build defenses to the allergens and they no longer affect you, it takes a bunch of times at first, and then maintenance and probably a while to fully work, but I’ve been putting this off my whole life and I still constantly feel the symptoms and complain about them.
I passed my first class, yippee. I was writing my 200-300 word auto-biography and I got to when I moved to NJ at age 8 and it was already 212 words. So I erased it and will have to write in my normal choppy style. I talked to my mom and she was like ‘well, you’re probably saying how you had to stay back bc you were so smart but didn’t have social skills which is like a bazillion years ago and doesn’t matter now’, I told her I didn’t include that but didn’t argue anymore bc it’s not worth it. My argument would be that it is important bc it’s part of my life first of all and is a major reason as to why I value Early Childhood Education and early detection of emotional/behavioral/etc. disorders so much. Now I’m thinking of including it, but I won’t in this assignment, but I am sure there will be discussion questions where I can include that.
Last night I went to the corner store bc I wanted beer really badly. I realize that seeing people drink or smoke on TV makes me want to do so, but they are not realistic portrayals of life. I got to the store and since they don’t have my favorite, Olde English, I was considering a Steel Reserve malt liquor, but they didn’t have it, so I upgraded 41cents and got a 24oz Beck’s beer. Then I was reading one of the local weekly papers today and there was an article about people trying to ban the sale of Steel Reserve “bc bums are getting drunk”, um, well, not only bums like to drink or get drunk from malt liquor, I like it too and so did the author who works 40hours a week and likes to come home and get crunk, that’s really weird that he used the same word I did. I think the malt liquor prohibitionists who already have stopped the selling of 40s and have malt liquor only as large as 24oz should put their time and money into something more valuable like trying to help the homeless instead of trying to take away one thing that might bring them just a bit of joy or escape, but sure, drink your expensive wine, that’s perfectly socially acceptable. I mean, unless these drunk “bums” are harassing you or causing you harm, just leave them the fuck alone. If they can’t get malt liquor, they might use other drugs and be more of a threat to themselves and others. I can’t believe that this is actually an issue.
I watched one episode of ‘Weeds’ last night which I found is not as good if you’re not stoned. Also, I don’t know why they put descriptions on dvd cases and on the episode, I would like to watch what it going to happen not read and know what’s about to transpire, I try not to read it, but I always end up glancing and then seeing something I don’t want to. Lame.
I am sorting through stuff and throwing stuff and giving stuff away. I have an entire trash bag full of clothes that I was thinking of trying to sell, but some are sellable, some not, I don’t think I feel like sorting them, I just want them gone. We’ll see though bc I am hella poor. I have a box of books to try to sell and am thinking of selling dvds and cds but I can’t seem to part. I would have to pack them in my suitcase and go by bus which I haven’t had the motivation to do. Hopefully my financial aid will come and I can stop worrying.
I am going to go for a quick walk around the block to try to feel more alive and awake, water, coffee and food aren’t doing the trick. Then I will prolly exerbike for an hour and maybe do weights for my arms. Oh, I don’t have much food, I don’t feel like going to the store. See, I always think these “not wanting to do things” are bc of puffing, but I think not bc I haven’t now in a week, again. I think it’s allergies and too much thinking and over-thinking. Done.
Almost 8pm.
Well, going outside sucked. I had taken Sudafed at like 6 and was feeling a little less facial pressure. After getting about 5 houses away my eyes were itchy and watery and I was coughing and I could feel my breathing becoming more labored, I just did one loop and came back inside my super warm house which is a blessing in winter, but not summer. I finished my autobiography for class and it’s exactly 300words plus my name and stuff. I can’t edit it down anymore. We’re supposed to check our papers with this WritePoint on-line tool that tells you possible grammatical errors or if you’re using informal rather than academic writing, it’s actually nice bc it gives you a possible correction and the reasoning behind it and you can choose if you want to make changes or not. I don’t think we have to with this one bc it is informal, but I might bc I guess it’s good to check. Although it says to allow up to 3days to get results, so I could do it tomorrow from the library and it would be ready for Tuesday. On to my exciting Saturday night of exerbiking, eating, TV and possibly laundry, but we’ll see, I feel worn out even though I haven’t done much of anything.

Monday May 18, 2009 3:45pm
Gdammit. I was in a good mood, making phone calls, getting stuff done. Then I heard the mail come. I got some letter that my financial aid isn’t available bc I don’t have an updated schedule which was written in. Not bc there is no need, not be there is no cost. So I’m freaking and going to watch Ellen to calm down. Fuck.

Tuesday May 19, 2009 2pm
Yeah, yesterday was not a good day. I watched Ellen, it was funny, I really like Jamie Foxx. I think he and Tyra Banks should go out, they’d be a fine couple. I made a few phone calls and left most likely insane sounding messages. I decided I didn’t want to be in my house alone so I went for a walk. I was sobbing the entire time. I didn’t even care that I was in public and people were walking, biking, driving by me. I got even more sad when I saw a group of cool looking people drinking good beer on their lawn. I walked to DHS to see about their computers and they are open from 7:30-5pm, I was looking in the windows trying to read the signs and the maintenance person most likely assumed I was crazy, but I just waved and walked away. I really wanted to dig and pull all my skin off with my nails, so I cut them down as low as I could go. I don’t want to die, I want to be happier, but I think of suicide, which is not a reasonable option. I put on my super-star rainbow bracelets that cover my veins so I can’t look bc I get fixated, so instead if I look I stare at lovely stars and think of positives. I said a loud yesterday “I can’t focus while I’m filled with all this negativity”. I also wanted to break and hit things, all I did was violently crumble the paper and throw it and resisted punching things when I was outside. I kicked small rocks and stuff like that. I got home and felt awful, not only anxious and angry, but really bad allergies, too so I read for a little bit in bed and actually napped for 2-3 hours, waking up around 9pm, throwing off my still non-existent schedule and leaving me only getting 4 hours sleep before my 9am appt. this morning. I am pretty proud of myself for how I handled it, I was really aware of my thoughts before they became actions and listened to them and counteracted them.
Right now I am hella tired. I went to the coffee shop and they tried to charge me $2 instead of $1.50 for the same mug I brought in last time, I told her I wouldn’t fill it all the way, and she brought it down to $1.50 and I didn’t fill it all the way. I did all the annoying stuff on the phone and the computer. I could figure all this out but I’m just going through the hoops, after all it’s their job and they’ve actually given me some good tips, like, don’t try to read everything, just take out what’s important to you now and in your future goals. Nice. I really can’t wait to have Internet at my disposal, I feel a little overwhelmed with all the information coming at me at once. At the coffee shop I can email to myself, but not save to my memory stick and then I am going to the library to open the emails and save them to word and to my memory stick. Ugh. It even sounds annoying.
I can’t get in touch with my financial aid advisor, I am getting really frustrated. I have e-mailed her more times than I can count and I have not received one reply. The only thing I got was the letter yesterday which makes no sense bc I can clearly see my upcoming schedule. I’ve called in the past, I remember bc one time she had a vacation message on and today I called with no answer and no call back. My other advisors are super on top of things and call back really quickly. I don’t know what else to do, I don’t want to be mean bc that doesn’t help and I’ve contacted enough times so that she should know that I really want to / need to know. I just got a u of p email address, maybe I will try that, but then I don’t know where to check it but I am sure I can find it. Luckily, my landlady has been extraordinarily kind and extended my may rent to the 31st with late fees and then has moved my due date to the 15th starting in june. I offered to take care of the rock and flower beds and the debris but she didn’t reply, I will offer again and say I want to do it to pay back for her kindness but I don’t want to step on toes if she pays someone to do it. And if she does, they should get fired, hah.
I got 2 emails for interviews, one for a Toddler teacher at a place where I interviewed for a Float and was supposed to have a working interview that they cancelled, but they seemed like a good school, so I’ll go. I also got an interview to be a “Montessori Infant Guide” which I assume is like an infant teacher but I don’t really know so I will have to research that before Friday at 10am. I got info on how to become a Baby Signs instructor which sounds OK, but it’s a lot of information and I think once “certified” I would have to book jobs on my own, so we’ll see. Then, I got a voice mail from a school that is *amazing* and am waiting to check my email before I call back bc I already said I was available on Thurs to the other place but don’t know what time until they write me back. The crappy place that I worked at last summer is *constantly* hiring, they suck, no wonder there is no teacher longevity, I met the boyfriend of the girl I worked with for like a week and then quit, I tried really hard to learn stuff from her, but I could tell she didn’t care and didn’t know why, now I do, they suck. Also, I saw an ad for a good school in NoPo that I had interviewed for and then I totally dropped the ball on showing up for my working interview, I was really frustrated that I was going in for an $8/hr asst. position and was more fucked in the head than I am now, but I might apply bc they are hiring for a PS teacher $9-10/hr, BUT, they are a tough school bc it’s north Portland which is not as “good” a neighborhood and it’s a far commute. It’s saved in my email to transfer to word to transfer to memory stick for me to read at home. I must now type my discussion question answers that are almost the same as last class, “what do I see my role as a student in the program”, um, a student that wants to finish school as soon as possible and get to work. Ugh. And another brain twister: “give an example of successful teamwork and how did team help members feel integrated”, neat. It actually says in the workplace, but I, uh, don’t have one of those, so we’ll see what comes out when I start typing it. Then I actually have somewhat of a real assignment of a 350-700word paper in APA style with 3 references about a stupid subject: what it takes to be a successful grad student. Patience bc I want to fucking learn some shit, not just talk about what’s important and what my role is. I need sleep. This has to be in 3rd person which I don’t really understand, I looked it up and it seems that I would write: “For a student to be successful, they must pay attention to their work and what he or she said.” Like no “I” statements. The good thing is, I can look at other people’s work, well, maybe not for this one, I don’t really get why there are like 5 forums and what goes where, but I can read and pay attention to directions. I am totally procrastinating. Get it done and then you can be a bum and look forward to a 9am call from overly chipper fill in advisor, K* while getting ready for group.