library post

i'm still reading "A Clockwork Orange", I like it a lot, but I have started to think partly in Russian. On Saturday when I was dancing at a fest, I was like, my pletchoes hurt, which means shoulders. I can pretty much read the book without looking at the glossary and my mind just knows what the english word is, it's pretty weird and cool. I want to start doing that with Spanish, because I know lots of vocab and verb congugation, but not any conversational things. here is what i wrote from home...

Monday May 11, 2009 6:30pm

I’ve been having a rough time. I called Karapist and she called back, but in the 3 minutes I stepped out to have a bit of a clove cigarette. She left an ultra-positive message and encouraged me to write some of the automatic thoughts I’ve had or am having and then some positive stuff.
Automatic Thoughts: “Why do I keep fucking up like this?” “Am I scared to start something new?” “Fear is ruling me.” “Why can’t I just do school and get a job like normal people?” “I’m never going to get a job.” “Why the fuck am I sleeping ALL the time?” “You’re stupid.” (followed with an aloud fight, “no you’re not, you just made a silly mistake, lots of people make mistakes.” “I am incapable of moving on.” “I need school to fund my life, I know that, why am I not motivated to get it going?” “Shit, now it’s too late to call today.” “I’m never going to be happy.” “I’m never going to lose weight.” “All of my habits go to the extreme, sleeping, smoking, eating, drinking; I need to learn moderation.” “I hate myself.” “I hate suffering like this.” “It sucks that I don’t have Internet.” “I’m going to have to start thinking about rent, again, fuck.” “Great, my phone bill is due, again.”
And now some positive thoughts: “I can do this. People believe in me, my mom, my dad and J, Aunt K, Aus-man, Karapist, MamaH, STone, Mel-G, SBass, MLib. I have to believe in myself. Of course I want to succeed, but I also don’t want to let anyone down, especially myself.” “I will find a job, even if it is ‘dancing’ which I don’t feel I have the mindset for, but desperate times call for desperate measures.” “I’ve gotten through tough times before, I can get through this.” “Like my mom said, it’s only one more week (hopefully, I haven’t talked to my advisor).” “I am smart and if I can just start and DO IT (no affiliation with Nike), I will do great things.” “I might be able to get unemployment bc Obama decided that going to school IS a good reason to not work.” “My family and friends truly do love me and want the best for me.” “I am trying to love myself and want the best for me.” “It might be a hassle to have to go to the library for the Internet but at least I can do that and hopefully it’ll be temporary.”
Usually I start chronologically bc that’s the way I think, but Mel-G just called from Colorado. It was really good to hear from her. I had called when she first left to say safe travels and then just yesterday bc Bloom was at the Farm on Sat and I missed her. I feel like us having distance will be good for our relationship. When we talk it rules, but she gets caught up with stuff going on around her and then I feel left out or let down, but have realized and am actually believing that this has little to do with me. At first I was grilling her with questions and her first housing sitch didn’t work out and she had to find a new one and she did it. I told her that she was an inspiration to me bc she knows what she has to do it and gets it done, even if it is really hard. I told her it was empowering to me bc knowing that other people can handle difficult things makes me feel that I can too. We talked about the school at the Farm and I want to visit it and even volunteer but then I said I didn’t know what my specific offering would be bc I feel everyone has something special to offer and Waldorf isn’t too into media/technology, but I know I can do other stuff too. She had to go bc her gramma – my great Aunt Mils was calling but her last statement is something I want to remember and help guide me…”Don’t let fear rule you, when you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing, you’ll know it.” And it’s true, when I am in the classroom or outside with kids, I am doing what I know I need to be doing and I have enough knowledge to do art, cooking, animal care, plant identification, or, I could learn!
And now we’re going back in time to last week where things went awry. 2 weeks ago or so, I found out that my financial aid and school was finally a go! Then a week ago on Monday I talked to my advisor, had to sign up on line for some workshop by Tuesday which I did and everything was set. So I got stoked and went to my friends and got some herb, which I hadn’t had any in 2 weeks, go me! Then SBass had an early show 6:30-7:30, so I went right there without checking my messages. After the show, I was going with SBass to his house for a b-day/cinco de mayo party and I saw that U of P had called. I listened to the message and it said that I had to fax some form in ASAP bc I couldn’t start without it, now that is perfectly fine, but annoying, if I had known this on Monday instead of last minute Tuesday I could’ve had it printed and signed and ready to fax, instead I didn’t have Internet, a printer, the form or a fax machine. I have group 11-12:30 on Wed. and the library doesn’t open until noon on Wed. so I figured I would go to group and figure it out. Well, I drank a few beers and a few margaritas and SBass and I blazed, I felt great, but I didn’t get home until like 2am and then I ate tater tots and didn’t get to bed until about 4am. I woke up around noon, not hearing my alarm for group and feeling like shit. It was combination of slight hangover, frustration and miserable cramps and headache, this being my first month off the pill and due for my period, which I haven’t gotten but feel like doo-doo.

Tuesday May 12, 2009 2:40pm
I stopped writing last night bc House was coming on. It was confusing bc I don’t know whether he actually detoxed from vikadin and slept with cutty or he determined by process of elimination that he has schizophrenia, or both. The last scene was him going to a psych hospital so I think the mental illness aspect is going to come into play next season. And of course this is all important and relevant to my life.
I finally got my period this morning! I think I will be able to handle it without the pill, but we’ll see, I cannot go days of sleeping 12+ hours and have headache/cramps and we’ll see how long it lasts, 3-5 days, fine, 5-7+days, not cool.
Anyway, going back to last week. Wednesday I felt like crap and I didn’t do anything after I woke at noon, I fell back asleep until 4pm, and then again until 8pm, missing all opportunities to do anything real and totally throwing off my mainly non-existent schedule. So I smoked and ate and watched tv and was up really late. Thursday I again slept in late and felt like junk so I didn’t do anything but smoke, eat and watch tv. Friday I got up a bit earlier and was like, ‘uh, ok, I don’t feel well but that doesn’t mean I should just sit around and smoke all day.’ I did some stuff, but still mainly smoked, ate, watched tv and rested up for the Bloom Fest on Sat.
The fest was great. Good music, good people, adventure and so on, more on that when I can post pics and am not thinking about getting to the library soon. I ate an enhanced chocolate and was feeling nice from that. STone sent me home with a bit of herb. I smoked it all on Sunday. Yes, I did stay up until 5am and got up at 9:45 and hiked through the park and then the main road to get to a bus-stop and yes, I was tired but thought staying up and going to bed early would be best for me, instead blazed all day, got fritos and ice cream and watched tv and I still didn’t go to bed early, I was up until like 2am at least. And then I slept until 5pm, um, WTF? I got extremely emotional but also got it together in terms of what I needed to do. I got some cleaning done, some laundry, looked for jobs, tried to figure out the cheapest Internet option for home and also came to the realization that I can’t have herb around until I have more of a cohesive life. I have difficulty with moderation, but have really impressed myself with stopping for the 2weeks I did, so I am not getting anymore for myself until school is more underway and I have work to do with that and find a job. I feel confident that I will progress to the point where I can have it and not abuse it, but I am not there yet, plus I am hella poor and I basically spent $10/day for 6days in a row. I have been smoking clove cigarettes, but one pack lasted over 2 weeks, I am about to go enjoy some of the last one and we’ll see if I get anymore. I can only handle like 1/3 or ½ at a time and haven’t smoked them everyday. I don’t want to smoke regular cigarettes, I like them every once in a while, but if I have a pack, I smoke more and then I feel gross.
Off to the library to post this, save or print the fax form, register for a workshop, look for jobs and then the store. wheeeeeeeee