rushing, i really don't like rushing

Friday May 15, 2009 11:45 am

I don’t feel that great this morning. I don’t exactly know why bc I had a full nights sleep which I haven’t had in a while. My allergies are getting increasingly worse, so my face and head hurts and I am coughing up stuff. Also, doing the salt water irrigation has been causing my nose to bleed, my nose never bled when I used an inhaler. I wish I had insurance so I could get one. I suppose I could go to OI again, but I don’t feel like having a full appointment and repeat everything for a 3rd time just to get an inhaler. The first time I went, they were rad and said they wanted to start me on natural stuff along with the daily antihistamine I take and to come back for refills or if I needed to get an inhaler. So I went back a second time and said I was still willing to try the natural stuff and wanted more and then some dude came in and said they were mainly for acute not chronic problems which contradicted what I’ve known in the past and have been using them for years. Karapist said to not worry about it, but now that I am there on Wed. for group, that is the day I’ve been seen in the clinic bc it’s most convenient and I don’t want to go on that day again bc it’s mainly naturopathic and can help out with non natural, but now they have an Rx so if I see a doc that gives me an inhaler I can just pick it up with refills. Ugh.
I also was feeling quite anxious this morning. I woke up and was like, ok, I have to do this, this and this and thinking about lots of stuff including how to use the puter next Tuesday having to spend $2 or $2.50 for coffee with tip and do laundry by getting quarters and still have some $ to go to a show next Friday. It’s SBass’s so I might ask for guest list, but it’s a big show, so it’s better for them to get attendance credits, we’ll see. I started to have an anxiety attack and it progressed so that I puked, but only a tiny little bit and then I calmed myself down by breathing and saying to myself that I really didn’t have to worry about stuff too much, just get what I need to get done today and I controlled it instead of going into a cycle of repeated anxiety attacks. Then I had a few drags off a clove and that certainly didn’t help my allergies. But I like sitting out on my stoop.
I am also feeling quite depressed and that herb would really help me. Oh yeah, I saw all my gear on my dresser and then thought about it. I don’t have $ anyway. It’s Friday and I was thinking about what I could do tonight. I already got in touch with L* from old school yesterday and she and her beau are going to GA for a wedding, so she’s not around. I’ve called STone a coupla times this week with no call back, I will call again today to see what’s up for the weekend, but they usually stay at the Farm and it’s a bitch ass for me to get there and back bc the buses don’t run on their road on the weekends. So, I guess I am down bc of my impending loneliness of the weekend. And I can’t even buy wine or anything, if I want to I can get malt liquor for $1.75 and get crunk off that, but I’ll have to see how I feel and risk feeling like major ass the next day bc, well, it’s malt liquor.
In amazing news, my dad just bought me a Dell netbook and bag which will be here before june 8th! Even though I am super excited, I am kind of stressing about bc it doesn’t have a disc drive nor all the software I need for school. I am going to have to either find free-ware online and download for PowerPoint presentations and most likely have to set up a data network and wireless network for that an my dinosaur desktop which I love. Hmm, that’s weird, when I tried to save my PPP for a class at MH, it wouldn’t fit on my 128M memory stick, but it’s only 778K, curious. OK, it totally worked, so that relieves that stress, I can save PPPs to memory stick and then post it on-line either through my netbook or at the library. Sweet.
I deleted some programs I don’t use anymore last night and am working on deleting documents and other stuff that is just taking up space. I could prolly just throw away whole folders entitled “floopy transfer” bc I can’t even remember the last time I used a floppy disc and “old job search” bc I have current stuff but I am one to look through everything. Oh, another thing that is bringing me down is that I haven’t even gotten a call back for any job, nada, I can’t believe that I haven’t been contacted by anyone. Karapist tried to remind me that not only are lots of people looking for work, but also jobs are getting tons of applications and also people think child care is easy so they are probably getting a lot of extraneous applications to sort through, I usually don’t see these when searching Education jobs, but they’ve had “Serious inquiries only” listed, wow. I also fear that they might look at my resume and say, she’s over-qualified for an assistant position but I will take anything, especially in my field, I note clearly that I am going to school so it’s not like I’ll be leaving them soon, I’ll be in school for a while. I keep thinking of all this crap I want to have at my disposal, such as all the classes I am going to take and also I want to work on transfer credits and waivers but it’s hard when all that information can only be seen at the library and I don’t intend to bring in my transcripts and course descriptions there to compare and make a valid argument that I have learned and mastered the information, I will need time to do it. This first class is all about the on-line classroom, but then I have Professional Communication, uh, I majored in Communication and took tons of different Comm and Professional writing classes. Those were at the undergrad level, but it seems like I could take a test or something to pass out of it, but like I said, I need time to research and stuff.
In searching my docs, I found an old “poem” I guess you would call it and I think it’s actually pretty good, funny at least if nothing else, here it is for your reading pleasure:
There’s a constant race in my mind
With no apparent finish line
Go go!, Pass the Baton, Nope there’s no one else in this relay
At least not with any tangibility
These thoughts all the time, all I want is to be free

Why is it that some people have so much
And others so little
Some people’s jewelry
Is worth more than if you added up
The years of work done by most and
Multiply by thousands
We should be slashing prices until we’re all free

“There should be limits to freedom” is a fucking crock of shit
A contradiction in its terms and definitions
W’s here, get your ammunition
The pen is mightier than the sword except
Now the pen’s got some hard competition
Power, oil, blood, money, war, so on as you’ve heard before
Break the pens, control the minds
It seems like 451 degrees in here
With nothing to write with we keep our thoughts in our minds
Racing and racing all the time
The pens are being beaten, take out all the swords you can find
But even the ninjas aren’t coming out of their shadow hidings,
Fuck, even the Jedi ain’t got a chance I can see
and the dark side seems synonymous with what might be going on
Wait. at risk of being cliche
What’s going on inside me
I just wanna be Free.

Free of all the bullshit, corporate corruption, just leave me be
My thoughts and me wanna be free
I don’t wanna fight, not today, not ever, leave me be
Fight your own dirty battles, do your thing
I hate it, leave me out of it
Let me do my thing
You don’t get that
I hate what you’re doing the same as you probably hate me
I’m not hurting any one else
There lies the distinction
Leave my mind and I alone to be me
Free.

Well, holy crap, it’s 1pm now, how did that happen? All I HAVE to do today is class stuff and email and search jobs if I have time. I would like to get some quarters for laundry, but not a whole roll but that seems to be unliked by store employees for some reason. I’d like to clean a lot, so hopefully I will find the motivation to do that. I’d like to exercise, I’ve been exercising like everyday, it’s good. I’d really like to find something to do tonight for free, which might end up being watching more dvd’s at my place. Yee-haw.