decompression.

sigh. i planned poorly again and followed negative patterns, erg. BUT, i realized this AS it was going on and tried to stop it and am out and functional in 2.5 days instead of a week or more. blargh. but anyway, i am a chronological kinda gal, so we'll rewind to last week, it's much more pleasant, anyway.

thursday morning i took the train up to seattle where my dad and j-mom picked me up and we had a light lunch at a deli and then went to the airport to pick up my bro, aus! the 4 of us ventured into seattle and had a great time until we got back to the car and it was towed =( but we got it back pretty quickly by taxi but it cost a lot of money, like $200 for ticket and towing =( the signs were really deceptive, it said pay for parking 8-6, no stops 3-6, we all assumed that meant like don't pull over here it's for parking only and it's busier during those hours. lame, but no reason to dwell...we go to where aus was playing and ate and drank and listened to amazing music =) i took my sleep med and fell asleep quick and didn't feel groggy in the a.m.

fri a.m. my bro and i took dad to his first of 6 treatments. the nurse was hella nice and he seemed tolerate the treatment well but i found out that they get worse when they go along, i figured the 1st would be worst bc it would be the 1st introduction into body but i guess as the weeks go on it builds up and can be worse. me and aus stayed in the room the whole time, like 3 bloody hours. i need to remind him to bring i-pod. j-mom goes and stays but i don't know if she goes in the room. we hung round the house and m, n and k visited =) then aus and i went to seattle to his 2nd show =) both shows were phenomenal!

we got a few hours sleep and saturday early a.m. like dark, i said 'i wish it was day out' i drove him to airport, almost ran out of gas, but made it to a station fine. i slept a little bit and then j-mom and i went 2nd hand shopping. i got jeansx2, sneaks, sweatshirt with strawberry shortcake =), short sleeve and long sleeve, score! we drank some coffee and then went to a mexican restaurant for my bday which was great! pix of all this up on facebook.

then i played poker and then stayed over at m, n and k's house. k got me up at 630a.m. new time but i was glad we got to spend a few hours together before my train at 10. i got home home at like 4 and was doing good. then i hit a wall. not literally, figuratively. i was thinking of everything i had to do and tried to get it together, but then gave up and said i would do it in a.m.

bad idea. i was supposed to have a ct-scan at 7:30a.m. on monday, poor scheduling 1-monday, 2-after trip. i woke up at like 5 something and started thinking manically and said the only thing to do is go back to sleep. i didn't reset any alarms, so i woke up at 8:45, now severely panicking bc i am supposed to be to work at 9 and call out by 6:45, holy crap. i txt, which is allowed, it was verbally told to me, and say stupid stuff about ct scan and blah blah, tmi lie, and turn my phone off. then i crawl as far into bed as i can. i feel guilty, depressed and anxious. i shut off the outside the world. i lay in bed. i get up to use computer without going to e-mail, fb or blog. i cry. i sleep a lot. it's late so i get ready for bed for tuesday knowing that i will be txting out. sigh. alarm goes off, txt out, phone off. now i feel worse. i realize this so at like noon i try to do more human like stuff.

then i decide it will be a good idea to not take the sleep med and see what happens. well, i didn't sleep, at all. i watched the hours pass and decided that one more day would do me good and waited until a reasonable hour to txt out. i had a more human day today, i drank coffee, communicated with outside world, including work, went to rx, rode bike, went to friends. i came to 2 major realizations. 1 - although i have said it before, i really need some decompression time when i get back from visiting fam, especially when going to a treatment is involved so with that being known, i really need to figure out how to handle this better so that i don't mess up a good job. and 2 - calling out of work is a form of isolating. it's bad enough to not talk to people outside of work, it's a whole 'nother level when i don't go to work either. oh i missed group on monday, too =( things to work on.

i am gonna watch dexter and go to bed and have good tomorrow