"most of those who believe they should stop, find it very difficult to do so. they find it's become a deeply ingrained habit; a habit they can't change just because they want to. i know about these things because i have been through it..." kid koala quote. good one.
i am going to try to blog everyday. and start some other positive routines. and do some support system stuff like craft nights. or something. i am looking for an individual therapist at other locations while keeping up with weekly group and monthly psych. i wish i didn't have to work so god damn hard to just like do everyday stuff. sigh. at least i am sitting in my apartment writing this and not in a hospital, well, to say that at least i am somewhat functioning. emotional. meh.
g'night.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Hey,
I just read this and the post from yesterday.
Have you spoken with work yet?
Sometimes I'd do something similar to what you're doing with classes at school. I just wouldn't go. Maybe I just didn't feel like it. Or, maybe I just had soemthing else I wanted to do. And then I wouldn't go more because I didn't have the work and felt unprepared. And then I would continue not to go because I was so far behind.
To this day I have nightmares about the kind of anxiety I'd have about those classes.
I don't know if this will be helpful to you because I know that you are very aware of what is happening (which is great!) When it comes to work, I don't consider staying home an option. Like, for me not to go to work I'd have to be throwing up or have an insanely high fever. Or, one of my children would have to have one of these things and jay wouldnt be able to stay at home. Outside of this, everyone is going to work and everyone is going to school. And we're just going to make it through the day...
I find this helpful, but I find setting limits for myself to be very helpful!
hey. thanks for reading and commenting.
here is what i have done presently: i went to group and cried about being irresponsible. i decided to take action in group and left a message at work and txted to say i would be in at 815 to talk and work which i wanted to do. i got a txt back to come in at 930. i was planning on doing so. this morning. i could not function. i don't know. i don't know. i just don't know. agh!
i realize this is a pattern of negative behavior that i need to break, like a bad habit, but i had no motivation this morning at all. i was tired to the point that i could not get out of bed. my mind and body were not in sync. i don't understand.
i like the idea of setting limits and boundaries but i don't know if that would work with work or add more guilt if i was unable to keep up with the bounds.
thanks
Yeh, that makes a lot of sense.
I do it because routine helps me with anxiety. I always need to know what to expect (from myself and from my surroundings). So, it's helpful for me to set expectations and limitations... but that's just for my particular kind of crazy! lol.
Is it your fear that caused you to stay home? Like, you don't know why they said no to 8:15 and yes to 9:30... and it scared you because you don't know what to expect now?
routine is best for me too. it was disrupted from going from a morning schedule to an afternoon schedule at old school, not working for a month and then having different hours at new job. and biggest i think going away to wa. maybe not, maybe i am just in a funk, aka having a depressive episode. meh.
i have boundaries surrounding other things and maybe it would be good to establish some work boundaries and expectations.
i think overall, i am fearful of what to expect, just one action of not going instead of going to work has snowballed and has me predicting things when really i have no idea what is going on. however, i can use deductive reasoning and assume.
i really don't know why i stayed home. usually i can pinpoint it. or find a trigger. i just layed in bed. i feel awful for how i am acting, yet i am still doing it =(
Right. And then the consequences of what you're doing are so scary that you can't fix it and take the correct actions.
I think that I understand.
Either way, I love you and I'm here for you ALWAYS.
Post a Comment