what is wrong with me?????????????????

i keep making constant poor choices, i somewhat realize it, i just typed it, yet i continue to make poor choices and feel bad about it. right now i feel like an asshole. i was supposed to go to work today and i just didn't go. wtf? =( i can't seem to get it together and i don't know why. i know when i get back from my dad's i usually feel depressed and non-motivated. i planned ahead for this. right after the train i went to the store to make sure i had coffee and creamer and food so i wouldn't be overly tired or hungry or spend a lot of $ on take out and feel guilty later. i talked to my mom and txted with friends and even went to a friends house for a little bit. i went to bed before 11pm and got a good 8hours sleep. and then i just didn't get out of bed. the alarm went off. didn't get up to shower. the phone alarm went all the way through all it's snoozes. i fell asleep and it was after 9, when i was supposed to be at work. i turned my phone off and went back to bed. all flippin day. the new mgmt company came here and then left. the maintenance people did their thing and then left. now it's 4pm, i am just making coffee, i feel tired, sad and congested and i can't think about my job without feeling sick.

i don't think it's entirely lack of therapy but i missed groups - one to babysit which i planned ahead, one bc i was depressed and isolating and one bc i had explosive diarrhea, one okay bc sick, one not bc avoiding. so i learned from that that mondays have to be mine, no babysitting or plans and that avoiding group doesn't help. i can miss when sick but should tell earlier. AND i haven't had OGpsych, i've had young who didn't show up to my last appt. and i've received no communicae about what to do.

i had a good restful weekend, too. i took a train to seattle wed, we drove home. thurs was good but i felt sick in the afternoon, got better-ish. i slept over n and m's to k's delight =) we watched tv and had bfast and then played a bunch as i was feeling worse and worse. she wanted to make crafts but n talked her out of it by saying 'auntie kol is too nice to tell you no, but i can tell she doesn't want to craft now', we watched cloudy with a chance of meatballs and 1/2 way through, k looked at me really lovingly, is your head feeling any better? we crafted afterwards, had lunch and dad picked me up on his way home from work. he got beer which i don't think is good with cancer treatments directly to the kidney but 2 isn't gonna kill him either. i once again didn't feel great and didn't have any delicious fat tire. i went to bed at like 10pm. got up at like 8am saturday. felt better.

i lazed about which was prolly good for me. did laundry. left to go to n, m and k's just as jn was leaving =( we had fun there. k and i watched rudolf while they re-arranged the living room. then we chilled. kt came over, we ate nachos. fun. i got home at like 9pm but watched some tv til like midnight. i got up at like 6am to chill with dad b4 he went to work. got ready while watching shows with jn and then got the train home. i already described what i did up there. that was my weekend.

i felt good about just keeping it mellow. i don't know what the eff is up with me. i dislike whatever is going on. my phone is off. that's not an indication of anything, right? i am going to have to deal with work. it'd be silly to just avoid it. erg. doing this has made it hard to deal with instead of just being a job. i was thinking i could pretend i thought i had the day off, but that is really dishonest. group - here i come.

what the what?