the shambles my life is in

i should be super-duper excited about the interview yesterday. but i'm not. i'm not even worrying about getting it or not instead i am worrying about 1) money and job mainly, 2) what to do btwn now and when i find out (only a month), 3) what to do when i find out if yes or no in terms of job, 4) i need a car if i get it, 5) the car that i might have, i don't know if i can really drive a stick shift on I-5 in traffic, 6) i would be able to do more if i had a car either way, 7) job, 8) money -AGH!

my dad also started treatment again today. 4 weeks of it. he sounds so weird when he calls. "next time you call i'll turn my phone on ring bc i didn't realize what it was when it was buzzing before and i started swatting at imaginary spiders." funny, sad and too real all at the same time. i hope he doesn't get as sick as last time with crazy fevers and stuff. big shout out to my pops!

i'm really bored in general. or i guess depressed and anxious would be a more accurate description. i have nothing going on. i look for jobs. but again the whole uncertainty thing with school and timing. i don't want to waste a pre-school's or my time if i only intend on being there a few months, that's not fair. summer camp. summer camp. summer camp. but i have to wait til mid-may to interview for that and it doesn't start til mid-june. i guess still the same month of uncertainty and then a month of waiting or doing something, anything. my friends work or go to school or both, so they're not around a lot. i don't know how to meet new people and i don't feel like it anyway. i can't go out to shows or to eat bc i have no money. i am obviously in a vicious cycle.

i want so much to visit AE in LA, it would be so good for me, for us. $200 is a lot of money especially when my main worry is money and job. dammit back in the cycle again. karapist things it would be great for me to visit but i have to really consider the financial and time away aspects, bc as we know any time away from my mundane somewhat routine schedule type thing really throws me off and i am back 5 steps from where i was when i left when i get home. it would be a good test, as i'm really aware of it now. and i already got us price is right tickets so, i mean, come on, how can i not go?

tomorrow i get to go to planned parenthood at 9am. i've actually been doing well with going to appointments and responsibilities even if i have to drag myself through. i should respond to the volunteer email they sent me. that would be something to do. i am volunteering for an earth day event on saturday. yea. and sunday is STone's 30th so there's a party planned that i don't know anything about yet except that it will exist on sunday and STone, her mom, mel-g and i amongst others will be in attendance. cool, at least i have stuff to do - that's good.