quite possibly the worst day ever

i am so fucking depressed right now. i am too depressed to function and i am trying. it sucks. i've cried like 50times just today. karapist has been away but she gave me her personal email so we can stay in touch. but i don't think i'll be able to see her til tues next week bc that's the day she gets back.

last night i fell asleep at 5pm until 7am. that's normal, right? then i just tried to have an normal morning. i accidentally pressed stuff on the keyboard that turned me into using filter keys which somehow helps the handicapped. trying to fix it made me feel handicap bc it changes the keys and timing and i tried to open one icon and i opened 28 bc i had them highlighted. it was a debacle. i finally got to the revert to old settings and went back to last night no problem.

as i waiting for the computer to do it's thang, i decide to make a phone call. my fucking phone is off again, wtf? i only have like a $100 balance and they keep shutting it off. and charge me $15 reconnection fee. i know i should pay, but i don't think they should keep turning it off. i should talk to them about it but don't feel like dealing.

i get online and find that my bank balance is $82, $50 to verizon leaving me with $32 to my name. it got so bad so fast. i have a check coming to me but it'll be for 17 hours at $9-12/hr, i'm betting on $120 after taxes.

then, i get an email from the apprenticeship. i didn't get it. it crushed me at first, but only 4 students in K-3 are chosen a year. and i know i wasn't at my best. i was all stressed out about getting there bc it's not on the bus line and my friend didn't come through with the car and i had a bad night's sleep and frazzled nervous morning and i am sure it showed. i need to have everything ready the night before and have a non-rushed morning and i'm all good. plus, it was the thing making me need a car bc it's in tualatin, that's far from portland and not on the bus line and i don't think i would want to drive there and back each day. i am getting used to and feel better about using the bus. and one more thing...if they hadn't contacted me, i would've never known about it and i would've just applied to school and gone on with it not even knowing that existed.

i contacted the director of the MAT program at MH to find out what my status is since i didn't get into the extension program or whatever. i have been contacted by admissions saying i need fingerprints and by financial aid saying they need more stuff to write my reward letter, so those sound like good things. that all sounds like i would be a potential student, but i don't want to get my hopes up or count on it, which i've been doing and it's bad. it's still a full four months away and i don't even know if i got in.

i was going batty, so i went to the hippies. c-los and i got a coffee and went to the grocery store, yeah, bc i hate going there by myself. we chilled at the house and he cooked us some delicious food. then i came back to deal with reality.

my moms and i had a long talk. i called her back bc she was just getting home from work. and got her machine. so we'll prolly talk more tomorrow. fucking. fuck fuck.

then, i got an email back from the crazy bi-atch who was my boss for 2 1/2 days and it seems like 2 1/2 years saying that she agreed with my points and a lot of that was already addressed and fixed (magically already!!!). she then stated that i got a bad taste and a lot of misunderstandings and i judged. appropriate time to judge: when scoping out a new work place that has a lot of weird stuff going on. she also said overall that i was judgmental and unprofessional and un dependable (written like that). she went on to say that i never gave her a chance and that she feels very hurt. but in a creepy way. basically this has taught me to pick up the fucking phone and call when something is up bc i agree that is unprofessional, not matter how bad the place is you're dealing with, i want to be the best and most professional i can be. (not an army plug)

i am not making excuses, but i am becoming less and less employable. i graduated in '03, i moved across the country in '04, hopped from job to job til '06 when i finally got a good thing going and got my neck turned backwards in a bad car accident and had mad appts and then my dad got cancer and i couldn't function at work anymore and that was summer '07, i had that one 6wk thing sept-oct '07 and nothing since then. i do have volunteering and i got 2 more teachers besides STone seeking my help so that's cool. it'd be cooler if it paid. at least it's something. but seriously i'd be weary of hiring me. my resumes still look hot and if i get to talk on the phone or meet in person it usually goes fairly well. what the hell am i doing here, i'm going back to craigslist...

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