nightmare

i totally had a nightmare last night, it was wacky. usually when i first wake up i can remember my dreams but then when i get out of bed it's gone, i still remember this vividly.

i know i was crying in the dream a lot, i feel like i maybe actually was whimpering in my sleep. one part i remember vividly was me owing money to someone. I don't know if I owed it to her or not, but STone was being awful about it but that is not her personality at all. I had given money in cash and she was demanding that i take it out on my credit card instead, I was pleading that I didn't have enough money on the cards to take any money. Then i was walking in the woods with her partner, mel-g and LT and i asked mel-g why she was acting that way and mel-g was baffled, too. Then my dad stood up for me and said, look, she's on a tight budget and got over her head, so just accept the cash.

Someone (possibly STone and this was connected) was also trying to get me to go to OI to get my tattoo removed and I was crying and pleading that I didn't have the money for that. She went in and got the paperwork for me, but then we got another form that said I wasn't eligible and I was holding the paper and shaking and reading "nikkol has 124.21 and etc." and she was like, fine and went away. freaking weird.

then i was laying on a bed and crying with coley-poo sitting next to me. I was saying that I wanted to commit suicide. He reached into his pocket and took out a penny, a nickel and a quarter and said swallow these, then. I told him I had already done so when I was a child. That's all i remember on that.

weird. i looked up trazodone, which i take for sleep in a very small dose and nightmares are one of the adverse affects. i've never had one before and have used it for like 10 nights in a row when away with family in miami and such. i took it 3 nights in a row this time and actually only took 1/2 last night. hopefully it was a one time thing and i'll be sure to mention it to psych. it also said that joint and muscle pain are a side affect, but i wasn't taking it for the first week i had this pain, so i don't think it's from that. this all reminds me why i like my herbal relaxation, worst thing is i might eat too much. honestly, i'd rather have that than take another drug. but i need sleep. and i have no money for anything else right now.

i also feel very "blah" today. i got sleep, but it was disturbing so maybe i'm just tired. i talked to the district coordinator and she is super nice. I am going in person to hand in my stuff tomorrow or Friday and that's when i'll take care of my damn comcast remote. "MMMMM, the one with the Skor on top is absolutely delicious! now what's on this on? crushed pistachio. what a great idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" i can't believe people actually watch and buy things from QVC. Read Sellevision by Augesten Burroughs. It's hilarious.

I am going to walk to the store and get some food and castor oil which i hope is like 99cents. i thought i only had $4.50 but the bank with all the things matching mine says i have $10.25 so i might get a beer or some wine or something. nothing like a depressant to chase the blues away. i need to do school work.

oh, speaking of school, this meeting with truhl is obivously not urgent, he wrote me yesterday and said 'let's schedule a time' and i wrote back that i was available all this week and i haven't heard back. i am assuming that my field experience coordinator told him we spoke and that he knows i have worked something out to complete for this quarter. maybe i'll get a new placement that isn't in one of the richest districts in the area. i told tay and she was like "they thought west linn was a good fit for you?", it is a quality school and it was made last minute bc otherwise i would be in lovely aurora if i had a car. my cooperating teacher who is aware of all my financial difficulties was talking to me about how they were going to go to the food bank, she said and it made me cringe, "we're all very well off here, but we want to show the students that some people don't have enough money for food" and i thought, yeah, me. i don't want to get all negative on it, but i do not feel it's the best fit for me and it's hella far on the bus. meh. food needed.