right now, i am speaking specifically about school. i have not been working to/achieving my potential. i don't have a field experience placement which is hands-on work in an elementary classroom. this placement is great for experience and actually does affect class work directly bc our assignments include working with real live children - i am using prior knowledge and faking it, it's lame. i get annoyed about FE and then get annoyed about school/classes/my advisor and stop doing stuff. stop communicating with advisor. stop communicating with teachers. stop communicating with peers re: school and fun. stop doing school work. stop doing reading for school. i'm not in a good place right now. i am responsible for getting back into a better place. with the exception of field experience which i have been proactive about.
i have tried to call the principal of the school as instructed. she does not have voicemail, messages are taken by a person. minus points for me. i have a really good phone voice and i felt a voicemail would be an in. who doesn't have voicemail? i am going to e-mail her today. i keep getting angry when trying to do it. i will do it today before class.
speaking of. i never connected with my group about a project that is due tonight nor did i do a 3-5 page paper. i was about to scramble to do it, but really i have put -zero- thought into it so i am going to speak with my prof tonight to see if i can do a different subject than the ones done in class and maybe write a longer paper or something. it is in my agreement from student services to be able to hand in written work instead of oral assignments. and turns out other people are more comfy with that too, last term we had an oral assignment and we had to brainstorm how to present them all in the time allotted and we decided on small groups and then when she was doing random, i was really nervous, my face was getting red, i was twirling my hair i asked if we could pick our groups to be more comfortable and everyone agreed with me, that made me feel better.
now i wish i had just done it. oh well, "if i could turn back a-time..." i feel like a jerk. maybe by next term i can just have a normal term. classes and field experience in order. financial aid in order. mental health status = positive. physical health status = positive. that's all i want. really. i don't think it's too much to ask for. also, a job, a boyfriend, some more friends in my locale, that's it ;)
turns out group was canceled last week so i didn't miss it, so i will be there this week. i'm turning into a therapy junkie. i was even thinking of setting up something through school next week bc k will be gone. i don't know though, i'll decide. karapist fed me a banana and almonds this morning :) i didn't get my vitamins. i get there *just* on time and when i was leaving i didn't feel like it bc it was some skinny hip punk girl instead of the dude that is always there, yeah, i realize that's ridiculous, but whatever. i will ask on wednesday.
i am reading twilight. and it's actually good. and i don't feel like i've lost any of the story despite the media fury. LOL - i actually have been laughing and calling edward "the stoned vampire guy" a la the superficial writer's very apt description of robert pattison at the oscars.
one last thing: happy posthumous birthday to Dr. Seuss - may he live on forever in the hearts of children and adults alike, still one of my favorite books:
6 comments:
I need to read twilight.
Hey, I know that school things are complicated right now... but it seems like you've got some clear ideas about how to remedy the problems.
Focus on what you can control.
When you are done with that, put effort into what you're not able to.
Keep calling the principle. Keep bugging her assistant.
I'm really glad that you're so able to recognize what's happening.
Hey, how are things going? Did you ever get a hold of anyone about your fe?
twilight so far is really good. i would have never chosen it, but since someone offered, i started it and i really like it. i never read harry potter but i heard those are really good read, too.
i am glad i am recognizing it too but today was such a hard day. recognition is one thing. action is another thing. it's hard to have action when you can't sleep, don't eat and vomit on your own floor. sorry.
and no i didn't get in touch with anyone still, again, yet. and i got an email from my FE coordinator stating that at this point we might need to re-evaluate my status in the program. i didn't reply. i am going to tomorrow.
see new post.
I could be wrong, but it seems to me that when your anxiety really flares up it's usually when you feel unprepared, and this feeling of being unprepared makes you feel as though you are failing, are going to fail, shouldn't try... and on and on..
Then, you feel scared because you feel screwed. Like, you can't succeed and you have responsibiliites and will need to face consequences of failure...
And that makes you puke.
Understandably.
I wonder if it would be helpful for you to super prepare.
Like, do all of your work early, plan all of your meals, lay out your clothes the night before you have school. Pack your bags teh night before. And so on...
Just tossing it out there...
I don't know if I am right or wrong.. so I don't mean to be presumptuous.
my biggest fear is failure. and i constantly fail myself bc i have the fear in the forefront. i never think anything i do is good enough. also uncertainty is a big issue for me, not knowing what is going on or what is going to happen worries me bc if i know nothing, i have no control.
puking isn't the first thing that happens. and i've actually been able to talk myself down from anxiety attacks recently which is something i could never do before and i haven't been having like 3 in a row, i'll have one and really focus on not going there. it starts with either not being able to swallow or a pain in the chest and then i can shake and/or sweat and crying usually sets in; at this point it is make it or break it - "no you are not doing this, you're ok" or pukey. also it depends what i'm doing, like if i'm on the computer and something makes me really nervous, i can talk myself out of it, but if i am trying to get out the door, i have less awareness of the increasing symptoms.
you're totally right about being prepared. the more prepared i feel, the less nervous. rushing really shakes me up too. i was practicing with my handcart before i left today which i left on the sidewalk bc it's bunk, i had my clothes picked out. i don't eat - haha, but i usually am getting work together the day of but hours before, not right before class. all of this is moot. read new post.
Hey, rushing around really shakes me up too.
Running late makes me super anxious, as does procrastination.
For this reason, I do pretty much everything very far in advance.
Like, my Saturday and Sunday pieces for Homespun Oasis have been written and in the que for a few days. I know what everyone will be eating tomorrow. and my day is mapped out.
One thing that makes me very nervous (and I think this is basically because of control/fear of unknown) is driving in unfamiliar territory. I am SO SCARED of getting lost. I lose my mind when I take a wrong turn or don't know where I am or can't follow directions. It's terrible.
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