i was planning on going to class on monday even without connecting with my group and without my assignment done. i was trying to get my stuff together and all i could think about was how embarrassed i was because i wasn't there the week before bc Joe the Pharmacist felt it a better use of our time to argue than for him to do his job and me to get to school. i didn't want to show up with no group, no paper and sit there for 3 hours like an idiot. but i was going to, i was determined and then i was shaking, crying and puking, followed by me talking myself out of it for quite some time.
tuesday's class i've hardly been to and is really of little to no use to me, they talk so fast through the material that you can't even take notes, a really good tool for me and i am sure others in taking in and retaining information. when asked to stop or repeat so we can write it down, they continue and say they have a lot to cover. one time i took pictures of the charts they had because if i sat there and wrote them i wouldn't be able to listen and if i didn't have them written or visually displayed i would not have that pertinent information to refer back to. i took a nap and woke up at 5pm when the bus that gets me to class leaves at 5:07 and i wouldn't have made it.
then today. i was going to go to group therapy but i hadn't slept much last night and i thought i left enough time when my alarm went off to do all my morning stuff, but i didn't. that soured me and i was crying and hating on myself for never being able to do anything right. so i decided to check my e-mail. bad idea, apparently.
i got an email from my mon. prof who is also my field exp. coordinator saying that i missed too many of her mon. night class to even get an Incomplete so I will essentially have to re-take the course. that is total BS bc I already took "Linguistics" in undergrad, i've handed in every assignment with a A+ grade and the 4 of the 7 classes that I was there my participation was quality. Per my agreement with student services in case I am having a panic attack or something I am allowed one extra absence. I know other students have missed one if not more of her class so let's say she allows one. So that means I can have 2 absences before it affects my grade. The third I could eat or technically bring in a Doctor's note. And Participation is only worth 10 points of the final grade. Also, per my agreement with student services I am allowed to do oral presentations in written format and I have a week lee-way for completing assignments. I was planning to talk to her anyway to see what topic she wanted and if she wanted a longer report from me, I don't want to but if I have to fall back on those Student Service agreements, I will. Of course I realize I should've communicated with her but I'm damn frustrated and started shutting down.
then comes the info about field experience, she doesn't think with the timeframe that I'll be able to complete my FE for the term therefore needing to re-evaluate my position in the program. wow, this is totally sweet. instead of helping me when you know i need help, you still leave this in my lap and make it even more stressful by adding horrible consequences. i don't even know what happened last term, no one ever told me, they asked me what I thought and I said it was poor attendance and consistency in the classroom, I never heard otherwise. I talked to my advisor who sets up FE before the term started via email and the first week of classes. Since then I apparently had a meeting with the pricipal that I nor FEcoor. knew about and since then I haven't been able to communicate with the principal or the teacher, WHICH IS NOT MY JOB ANYWAY. i know several other people with different FE placements this term and they didn't have to do any of the leg-work. WTF? i had some issues, so now you make it harder on me? i am really, really confused. also, she said that my conversation on-line was minimal, i had more posts than anyone and she knows I don't have a placement so what am i supposed to be on-line communicating about. Faking answers to get it done? Hearing how great everyone else's experiences are? Bc apparently they are and I have to sit here grinding my teeth and saying as sincerely as I can: "that's great that you actually are working with real life children AND that you got to teach a lesson on your own - way to go".
Even though I was supposed to call, that is getting me no where, so I wrote an email to the principal today and copied advisor and FEcoor. my plan if i ever get to communicate with anyone is to ask to spend a week in classroom M-F bc i think that would be good experience and would get me the hours. and grades aren't due until march 20th. the new quarter doesn't start until march 30th. so a "change of grade" can be done. see, i have a plan, now, IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE GOING TO SUPPORT ME?
in addition, i really need support from family and friends near and far and with a few exceptions, I don't feel i am getting it. my mom is way too hard on me and i don't even think she cares if i succeed in what i strive for as long as i have a job and a paycheck. my dad and jane support me but i haven't told them i don't have FE so i am talking about how exciting it'll be to move to a younger grade and for some reason jane loves to talk to me about the HS tutoring that i am not actually doing, rather than classes or something i am actually interested in, like elementary teaching.
in portland - i need some solid pals. mel-g is my cousin and a great person, but i don't feel she values our friendship the same way i do. i've been through this same thing a few time; it's gotten to the point where i haven't gotten a call or a txt back and i am going to stop trying but when we do see each other, i won't say how it hurts me when she doesn't communicate with me, but just go on fine and dandy like nothing ever got in the way. repeat cycle. STone and i have business together, without that i don't know if i would see her, sometimes i think yes and others i don't. i have 2 friends exploring, one in Brazil just wrote a very nice email and i replied kindly. the other just wrote an email asking me to sell the sewing machine he let me borrow on "permanent loan" bc he was going to be living in Costa Rica, i don't even know if he is staying there or coming back, i closed the message and haven't responded. really?, that's the first communication you have with me when i haven't seen or heard from you personally since December bc you've been travelling. and now i am supposed to allow random strangers into my house to see the sewing machine that you were going to throw away bc you had no place to store it until i said, 'you'd be a fool to get rid of that' and offered to give it a loving home. i haven't seen or heard from bry-guy since the holidays, i tried to call around the superbowl, he's got a woman for quite some time and we have been drifting, but i would like to still be friends even if it isn't hanging out all the time like we used to. and l* from school and i haven't talked. i sent her a txt about a party and never heard back. crappy crap crap. i don't know how to meet people. none of the people in the classes are people i could see myself being friends with. i get along with a lot of them, but totally different lives.
so here i am, alone, crying and wondering if i should write my prof. tonight, every time i think of it it feels like i can't swallow and i don't want to increase from there, but it's also 11:15pm and i need to at least lay in my bed and try to sleep. i just wrote it. it's almost 1am and i should really try to get some sleep.
2 comments:
Okay, so lets figure this out.
What do you need to happen?
First, put everything that has happened and been said behind you and completely focus ALL of your energy on what has to happen now to get your to your goal.
You NEED to have FE to stay in school, right? And you need it to keep your financial Aid? Is that correct?
Is FE the most important thing right now?
How many classes do you have?
Where do you stand in each class?
What has to happen for you to go on to next term with a clean slate and with your financial aid in place?
First, you likely need an advocate who understands what is happening with you.
Didn't you have an amazing prof last semester who was really understanding? What about him? Is there someone in student services who you can go in, speak with, have a heart to heart with and let know what has been going on and how you were really thrown off by this FE thing and it has effected you terribly in your other acedemic pursuits? Tell them that this has been and may continue to be rougher ride for you, but that you, with all of your heart want to be there and want to be successful there.
Then, once it is worked out... which I think that if you handle it all correctly, it WILL BE AND CAN BE worked out, you can go forward... dedicate yourself and get the work done.
If you have to repeat that class... is that terrible? I know it's inconvenient... but is it terrible? Like, is there some sort of detrimental outcome to repeating a class?
As far as friends go... sometimes people become very consumed by themselves. It happens to everyone some times. It sounds like it's happening with a lot of people from your life all at once... which is awful. I believe that the people who you write about in this blog love you very much. But sometimes people don't understand that you really, really need them... unless you say just that.
Any time you need me... just call. I'm right here. Really, just a flight or a phone call away.
you must've been commenting while i was trying to edit what i felt was one of the longest posts ever.
THANK you thank you thank YOU thank you thank you THANK YOU.
you're right. there is no reason to think about the past, just focus on the future to meet my goals.
Yes, I have to have FE to stay in school, not to mention that i want it - it's one of the main reasons i chose this school, bc they start you out first term in a classroom, not after a year of classes like most programs. and Yes, i have to get a Pass in FE to keep my financial aid, bc otherwise it's considered an Incomplete and you can't have those or failing grades.
FE is the most important thing right now, it has been since before the term even started, they knew since December that I wasn't going back to my original placement and that i needed a new one.
I have 3 other classes. One 2credit that ended last night that if i don't get a Grade in, i will not get my financial aid, so it's really not an option to take the course over for a passing grade. i might take some from last and this quarter over so i get better grades but that isn't that important right now.
then the other are 3credit courses that my attendance is terrible in but my assignments are up to date and with good grades. i haven't heard anything from them so i am just going to show up and talk.
I actually was talking to karapist about setting up a therapy appointment with student services. i just wrote the director of that to see what they have to offer copying my advisor and FEcoor.
my advisor is hella cool, but he is the one who i feel is not helping me as much as he can right now. we talked the first week of school and it was emotional but i felt i learned something and i left feeling confident that i would get placement this term would be smoother than last. I kept asking him and whenever i did he said he was waiting to hear back. When FEcoor. sent me the message asking if I had it secured, I poured my heart out to him and he replied that "he had set up a meeting, sorry if i didn't know" and "here is the contact infor". as mentioned, he never told me in person, via phone or e-mail, nor did my FEcoor. know bc she asked me mere hours before i sent my email to him.
i know that sometimes i get consumed too, but i am usually hiding from the scary world, but i guess it doesn't matter the reason. i get really lonely and when i can't even talk to someone on the phone when i've called several times it makes me think of only negative scenarios, involving people thinking i am annoying, needy and lame and have no interest in hanging out or even talking to me. fun.
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