I feel pretty depressed :(
Different things (will go into, don't you worry) keep triggering depression and then I start crying, then it turns to uncontrollable sobbing, then I get angry for acting that way, then I yell at myself, then I try to stop it, yesterday I cried 'I'm gonna exercise this depression away' and I rode my exerbike for 40 minutes. But like, I wish I didn't have to go through all the madness first.
I first started to feel like this Saturday night when I got home after my mom's visit. It was really good. I think the big difference was is we were just hanging out, we didn't have any time constraints and we planned as we went. The last few times I've been east it has been Easter, my grandma's birthday and Aus's wedding so my mom was all stressed out and then we were stressed out and then there was a bad tone looming over everything, for me at least who dwells.
I also came home Saturday night to an Oregon Health Plan (OHP) denial which I freaked out about because my first step back into reality was really negative. I called on Monday and they didn't find the error but my clinic did and there was a number wrong so I got a letter on Wednesday saying I've had it since Jan 24th which is basically a whole freaking wasted month plus some where I could've been at least seeing my doc and calling docs in the network, frustrating, but I have it now so I am going to get into the doc about my ears / allergies and a long term solution which will most likely be shots and I am going to go to DBT - Dialectical Behavior Therapy which I already called about and I need to wait to get my ID cards or maybe I should call to get my numbers so I can get going, grr.
Group was shitty this week like I said but I had psych on Tuesday which was weird bc I was talking to her about things for the first time instead of talking to group first. Like my mom, work, finances, school, observations and rb. I have a lot on my mind and need help, DBT will help with that.
I decided to contact the school I loved to do observations which psych thinks I am crazy for doing and that I do what is comfortable and then give up. Which has truth to it, but it's because I am scared, I don't like new things, I am starting to feel nervous just thinking about it. It's scary to cold-contact a school and say, hi, can I come observe your class, I promise I'm safe; I think that's scary for anyone, not someone with extreme anxiety who still to this day pukes sometimes when overwhelmed. It happened at least once this week, I think yesterday morning bc I had the interview in the evening.
So I thought all I had to do was contact the teachers since I let the school know about me wanting to do observations there. I set up one in toddlers and one in kindergarten. Then the director wrote back to please contact her first and that K couldn't have visitors, so I asked for pre-k and she said to contact that teacher who has not written me back since Monday. I am going to do the toddler observation and then never contact them again. It's too painful for me. I thought that doing observations there would remind them how awesome I am and then I could get some subbing hours, but eff it, there are other opportunities and it might be better to look outside a preschool.
I had a really nice meeting with a 41 year old mom who is an artist that wants a consistent person to ease in as mother's helper and then permanent babysitter. They live right down the street, I walked there in like 20 minutes at a really slow pace towards the end bc I didn't want to be too early. Her son is about 11months and is super happy and seemed to be comfortable around me. They have a HUGE dog that initially scared me and the mom could tell, but really the dog is super gentle, i fed her treats and we all took turns petting her. The mom said I wouldn't have to worry about the dog which is good bc I don't know if I could walk that mo-fo and a baby at the same time, but I am not a dog person in the least. But, hey, who's jumping the gun, I haven't gotten hired yet. I told her I was super interested and whatever her decision to keep me in mind for fill in babysitting. This would be nice to have. I don't know if I should even look for jobs, it really stresses me out. I kinda feel pukey and sweaty, so right now let's focus on something else.
Things with rb have been good. we've been spending a lot of time at his place which is fine by me bc it's nice and we get it on, but it would be nice to go out is kinda what I was thinking. I didn't have to say anything bc while lying in his bed, our favorite place, he said, we'll have to do another photowalk or happy hour soon. i look forward to it.
edit: I forgot to add this and it has been affecting me, too. I just saw psych and I have another appointment in 2 weeks, not a month. Also when I was looking for DBT on the website I couldn't find it under 'help with mental illness' and then realized it was under 'care for those with serious mental illness', I know that, but still sometimes when things are black and white like that it makes you think.
2 comments:
Hey, even though you're depressed, I love the fact that you're using tools like exercise to pull you up from it... rather than smothering it and aggravating it with alcohol and drugs the way many people do.
I'm glad that you have gotten your health care all worked out. And even though it is definitely disappointing that the mistake was made at all, you're right. At least it's fixed and you'll get all the help that you need. Here's to good health.
What school did you contact? It was the one that you worked at a few months back with the director who did yoga work for depression? How were they when you spoke to them?
I also hate new things. Like, I hate learning a new job so much that I'll stay where I am for a really long time no matter how I feel about it. I think that a lot of people are like this. I just don't like the feeling of being "the new guy."
That mom sounds great. I saw your comment on my LSoH blog and we're not doing invitro. That was way to much medication for us. We're doing IUI. Which is basically an artificial insemination with washed sperm.
When I think "serious mental illness" I do not think, "Nikkol." I think of my aunt who lives in a half way house and has round the clock care. LOL. I know that you have a lot going on... but you're growing and managing very well. You don't let yourself fall into the really bad place anymore. You're able to catch yourself and do the work that needs to be done to be healthy. Keep it up! You're doing great!!!!!!!!!!
a thank you very much. believe me, there have been plenty of times i've taken the 'easy' (at the time) way out and drank or drugged myself into a virtual coma to not think, wow that sounds unhealthy...so thank you, i too am proud that i am making better choices.
I have an appt with my primary doc on friday to figure out what to do about allergies, probably shots because every natural and chemical medicine known to man does not work. and the 28th i have an intake for DBT. yeah to good physical and mental health!
yeah, i contacted the hippie school that i am supposed to be "letting go" bc i have so many emotions tied to it. basically i had spoken with them and thought it was alright to do observations by just contacting the teachers and when i did that and copied the director as a courtesy, she reprimanded me by copying everyone saying i was supposed to talk to her first when i already did in january. the teachers wanted me to come and were excited, but she said no to one room and offered another which the teacher didn't respond to me until yesterday and my papers are already handed in. my goal was to observe, get a sub job, work there again, but i need to let it go. i have another offer of work 11 hours a week M/W with a 10month old :)
new things make me really nervous, i know this is common but it can seriously be crippling to me to the point where i don't do it, ugh. but i am working and making progress!
i don't understand many things about women's bodies and pregnancy, apparently, i am having fun learning!
i talked about how i couldn't find the info at first it in group and they think it's just the way DBT is coded and I reminded myself not to get caught up in labels.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for your kind words. I really have finally been noticing changes. and I appreciate feedback from those i care about, thanks! LOVE xoxoxoxoxoxo
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