blah blah blah

this is from 'weeds', the older son, silas says to uncle andy, 'what is life? blah blah blah?' and this is uncle andy's response:
"life is just blah blah blah
you hope for blah, and sometimes you find it, but mostly it's blah,
and waiting for blah
and hoping you were right about the blahs you made
and then just when you think you have the whole blah damn thing figured out and you're surrounded by the ones you blah,
death shows up and blah blah blah"

so, i am way too hard on myself, but i am, i am pissed that i can't get my shit together but i know that helps nothing. it was saturday, i was getting ready for my trip on monday. i realized i only had 2 balta left yet i thought i had another bottle, but i was wrong, the 2months were in one bottle. so i call the clinic Rx bc i get assistance for being clinically bonkers and i find out that they are only open 4-6pm monday instead of 1-6pm like usual. my train was at 2:50pm on monday. i e-mailed karapist and she got back to me monday a.m. that an asst. would get me my meds bc she understood the sitch and blah (lol). i get there and it's the one dude at the front desk that sucks in my opinion and he tries once and doesn't leave a message and tells me to 'have a seat', whenever we hear those words at the clinic we know it's going to be an ordeal. i tried to call karapist, no answer, i tried to email, no avail, nothing, nothing, nothing. it's 2:30pm, i realize i am not going to make my train. i am crying, calling amtrak, calling dad - no answer, have to call a friend bc i don't even have the damn train fare in my account. i get a ticket for tuesday at at $25 charge, my friend pays $83 on her debit bc they couldn't just add the fee for whatever reason. i tried to get a cigarette outside, none of the punks would give me one. i yelled on the phone to my friend that 'no one would give me a god damned cigarette' and this older man did. it was a bronco or something, but it was the best damn cigarette i ever had. it's almost 4 when the Rx is going to open, the asst. sees me and says 'did you get what you needed' (inner monologue: yes, but i am choosing to sit in a crowded room of sick people and cry about it instead of catching the train) -no, and she brought me 2 weeks in about 5 minutes. at least i didn't have to wait for the Rx and jazz, but AGH!, still i am thankful for the help i get, but i get frustrated, at me for not being on top of shit and them, uh, for the same thing i guess. i went to j48's and smoked and drank my troubles away, wheeeee.

but tuesday, i got a call from f&f about my application! i have an interview on wednesday when i get back! i am putting all my positive energy into getting this job. 100 years in business, must be doing something right and it's a totally awesome center, i want it, bad, and i am going to try my damn hardest to get it.

today i got woken up by my step-mom at like 7:30 bc she was leaving to do more of the ridiculous decorating for lights of christmas. she was freaking painting today. dude, like have someone that gets paid and doesn't have to drive over an hour there and back to do painting of walls and then focus on your decorating budget and volunteer, don't hurt yourself mentally or physically. she got back around 4pm and hadn't eaten besides coffee, not good. i am supposed to go with her on friday to help, but dad wants me at the house so they can run a gas line to the new stove, um, if all i have to do is let the guy in, that's cool, but i know nothing else. and k has no one to watch her so she was going to go constructing with dad, but i might watch her and let the gas man in. i want to help j out bc she works too hard, but it might be better to stay here, that would still be helping out. blah.

today was swell. k and i had fun. we did puzzles and had a talking kitty for a while and read books and then made a pretty sweet fort. it was all covered on all sides and i could sit up and the lion couldn't see us so we were safe. we watched ni-hao which is as far as i can tell the chinese version of dora, it was supposed to be my fav, the backyardigans, but the dvr got confused as k says. we then watched an awesome backyardigans, i love the different adventures and music they use, so clever and good. we colored and cut out hearts and ripped paper to make cards, and mama got out of work early, so the 3 of us had a card assembly line and made one for everyone (we hope) that is going to be there tomorrow. hung with dad who hasn't slept since monday, hmmm, i wonder where i get that from...and j, too. dad fell asleep during our king of the hill a thon that he decided on and then j and i watched sytycdance and house. i don't take kindly to her not liking someones dancing bc they 'look faggy' but i don't argue, dude was wearing leather hot pants, a ripped shirt and eyeliner, and it's not worth it.

so like, now would be good for sleep but i seem to be wide awake. even the book that i brought thinking it wouldn't be as enthralling as the new wally lamb or augesten burroughs i have at home has captured me. 'a walk to remember', nothing to write home about, but a good story so far. i think the bad boy, landon, is gonna end up with the minister's daughter. i'll let you know, or won't if you wanna read it, haha.

must try to sleep. sleep. sleep is good. i love sleep. just don't get irritated at your pillows or that you have to sit up to get a sip of water and sleep will come to you. sleeeeeeep.......