are you supposed to yell it? bc i don't think you're supposed to yell it. SERENITY NOW!!!
really though, i want to make some changes. please grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change those that i can and the wisdom to know the difference. i am pretty bummed about my aunt k but there is nothing i can do but be strong and supportive. i got a bunch of family phone calls that i didn't take today, needed to breathe. gotta return those tomorrow.
here's the thing, i want my place to be clean and i get it there and then i don't follow up and then i repeat the same cycle of it being hella messy and having no clean clothes. so, i am in control of cleanliness, i talk about it a lot, i need to take the steps, which really is just doing it, maybe setting up a schedule or something.
but then i think, i haven't even been crafting, something i love. i have all the supplies that i ordered on line and went to stores and am going to make new years presents for a few close friends and family and i think about it all the time and want to do it, but don't. i need to talk about that, maybe i got used to the higher does meds or maybe like psych said it might not be the right one for me, meh. oh, btw, group was canceled bc karapist is sick so i didn't have it today, i am venting prolly more so than if we had it.
ok, remember how i said group was annoying last week...well, i just got annoyed more. a while back, i got annoyed at this person for facebook crap, so i de-friended them bc i was being irrational and didn't want to deal. we hashed it out and i said i 1) didn't want my words from previous conversation to be used negative or positive and 2) i didn't want to talk about "real" shit on facebook, that i was on-line for school all day and i went there to get a break, not to get annoyed. so i have 2 messages from them, one asking about a status quote, the other started out with one valid sentence...'i could've been more diplomatic' and then like 6 "I" sentences, 'i had to be somewhere, i didnt sleep, i can't handle the weather, i have a medical problem, etc.' so i wrote back one line "please don't talk to me on facebook about stuff like this. thx =)" and ze responded 'idk what your problem is, i try to be nicer and you don't like that either' so i didn't write back. i don't want to think about this stupid shit. i want to get my life going, school is good but not going fast enough, i want so bad to work, i need to go out more, i should talk on the phone and via email to friends near and far more, i want to make friends outside the uh, 2 real ones i have in town, i want a boyfriend and future past that. and i am sitting alone, drinking wine and gettting thoroughly annoyed that this sitch is what i ended up thinking and writing most about. meh.
i am wearing my superstar bracelets to remind me that i am indeed a superstar. i want to take more pictures. i also want to organize all my files onto my new hard drive so i can have maximum speed with no files store on my desk or laptop. i talked to mel-g today, she literally cheered when i called her =) i want to talk to her more. i think we will, mel-g is in colorado and her and STone are no longer together and she told me she thinks of me a lot. to reminded me to do stuff for myself outside my treatment plan as to not have it take over my life and me live in a perpetual 'i'm sick' mode which i don't think i do, i talk a lot about it bc it's the first time i've dealt with it for real and i acknowledge that i have a chronic illness that will take permanent on-going treatment but i don't let it over rule me nor do i label myself by it.
i need to get out and see some more music. i want to see my friends play but i also want to be brave and go alone by bus to shows that i like and just hang. i have before, but not in a long while and also with a car. i think i am going to be on the east coast for easter but i will be hella busy bc the babe will be born and all family stuff and yadda yadda yadda. and there you have it; start and end with a seinfeld quote.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
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3 comments:
Here's what I do to keep my house clean. I never put anything off. I never think, "I'll do that later." I never leave dishes in the sink. I do them right away. I clean up immediately after every meal. I make my bed as soon as I get out of it. I put clothes away immediately. If you notice that something needs to be vaccumed or something fell or is out of place... fix it the moment you notice.
Here's the thing. Very few people in the world want to clean. If you wait until you feel like doing it... I likely will not get done. If you're fine with not having it done, that's no big deal. But if you're not okay with it... than you have to do it. And my thought is that getting it out of the way is always better than having it hanging over your head.
But, then again, I get very stressed out when I have a grocery list of things that I have to do. It's a huge source of anxiety for me. So, for me, I need to do things as they come because it alleviates this stress. (Like, having a super messy kitchen is stressful for me, so I clean pots and pans as I'm cooking and wipe up my counteres as I cook so that my clean up after the meal will be easier.)
You know, I haven't been knitting either. I started knitting legwarmers for my friends child and then I ruined one of them in the final steps by cutting the yarn as I was binding off. I have a lot of things that I want to make... but I don't feel like finishing the leg warmeres. Yet, because I promised them, I don't feel that I can just move on to another project before finishing them. What to do... what to do?
Hmmmm... was this person writing these things on your facebook wall? Or were they private messages? My thought is that if someone sends you a message that makes them vulnerable and they feel exposed by... and you only respond by saying not to write on facebook about it... it might make her feel hurt or devalued. Not to say that I don't think that you have every right to use your facebook for whatever you want to. I'm totally with you there. But, I can also see why she may have felt upset by your response.
It sounds like you've really got school under control. Also, you seem so much better emotionally. I think that you'll see that now that you've given a lot of attention to both of these things... you'll start gaining some of the other things that you want. YOu'll have more time to go out and see music and meet people!
xoxo
lol - tru dat, i can't think of many people that are like, i LOVE to clean, i am going to stay in and CLEAN ALL DAY!
right now i have so much to get rid of that is just stacked in piles ready to go. i've been better, but i realize that it takes constant upkeep. 3 days not doing dishes leads to clean ones to put away, dirty ones in the sink to put in the dishwasher that is full of clean stuff and counters full of dirty stuff that won't fit in the sink. agh.
i realize that i care the most when other people are coming over. if no one ever came here, i am frightened that i would be somewhat content in my own filth. although, i am messy, not dirty, so that is good.
here's the whole (short) version of the fb person. they are in group. i try to give them a chance. one person quit group bc of them, later came back and told us why. other people want to quit bc of them. others have not gone to group bc of them. i have avoided group bc of them. other people have permanently blocked them on fb, including family members. they rarely listen to others. they are loud, abrasive and rude. they don't care about being late or leaving early. if they talk it is about their fatal medical problem that has been going on for months now or other of their problems. they interrupt. ugh. i had not accepted a friend request for a long time. then they asked me why i didn't, so i did. then i got mad bc they were posting negative stuff about me and my friends on their and our walls. i defriended. we hashed it out in group. she friend requested me again knowing very clearly how i felt about what i wanted to talk about on fb. this was the first time they wrote something like this and instead of ignoring it i simply wanted to remind them that we talked about boundaries and i didn't want to talk about that kind of stuff. which is why i ignored instead of writing back bc it would just turn into a dumb fight. which is going to happen in group, instead of real stuff like my aunt having breast cancer, me not getting any work, not understanding financial aid, we will be focusing on their issues (which FACEBOOK is a main one, OMG) and what our problem is with them. neat.
btw, they sent it to me and another person, not just me...
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