no group bc of labor day makes me sad

dammit, i realized today that i don't have group tomorrow and i really need it. i might write to karapist. so picking up where i left off, sort of...

the work retreat was way more tiring than i expected. the first class 'work as play' was okay, it was engaging but it was confusing bc it was very Montessori based and i thought their aim was more Waldorf, so i was confused. i also got hella nervous when i had to present. and cut to present time....

my dad just called back. he has cancer again. he gets tested every 3 months and up until now was clear, so he goes in tues for scans and more biopsies and thursday pre-op, i think. i feel numb. i also want to cut. time for star bracelets. i also wrote on my arms. love yourself. it is not healthy to self harm.

back to the retreat which is seeming less and less important. the other classes were more Waldorf inspired and not as engaging but they provided some good resources and promoted good team work and we got to make a wool baby and another character which i actually got super frustrated doing and took the materials to complete it at home. we did a silent walk which was actually a rigorous hike, our director can book it while we were wheezing and shit. i asked if we really had to be silent for an hour and a half and she joked, for you 2 hours so you have more of a challenge, it was pretty funny. i also had to use a big knife to cut veggies and tofu. i told her i would do anything but cut and that's what she had me do bc she is all about getting fears faced head on. she wanted me to oil fry the tofu for like 15 people 'the worst it will do is burn you', um yeah, i'm pretty sure oil burns hurt, like a lot. i was incredibly slow at cutting so i didn't have to fry, i felt nervous and proud. i am still glad i only have my one dull serrated knife. erg.

i was gonna go to a show on friday but it was sold out. i found out beforehand though and while i was going to go to try to get a ticket, like i even left to the bus, i ended up going to the store and getting ice cream. saturday i went dancing with friends. fun but not long enough of a hang time for me. i want to do something but i also feel like doing nothing. sigh.