worst fear coming to reality..................

so uh, yeah. my ears are still clogged. i got Rx sudafed and ear drops. erg.

i had the meeting with my director, i handled myself really poorly. but i was shocked that was being talked to about calling in an hour before my shift like it was like i messed up the first time with the broken, infected tooth when i only emailed and left cryptic messages. there was never a time limit given, i thought an hour was acceptable. i was supposed to have orientation last wed. it's become abundantly clear that i need things clear, having vague policies and no manner of presenting them clearly to new employees does not work for me. i have figured out a lot on my own. plus it's scary for me to call out, may sound irrational but it's a real fear for me. also, no matter how secure i am in any position, i am constantly in fear of losing it. they are not doing well with the expansion, so uh, yeah, i wouldn't do anything to jeopardize my position. they have a sub for me all week. sucky. i don't know what else to say.

i am feeling super tense all over. like mega tight muscles. i have to go to walk in psych tomorrow bc i missed last week. so i could be there a few hours. i need to get to the Rx to get more sudafed and ear drops, i might try to do that beforehand, but i might go after bc i will have my klon script too. last week i feared all the sickness looming over would affect my mood, but now i feel i need something to help me control my moods or to get sleep so that i don't over-react. sigh. life is hard. no cigs for 18 days. i might not buy any green after i run out to save money and see how i do without it. i don't want to be addicted to anything. i was even drinking decaf the past few days, but today i had regular bc i had to do stuff. one thing a time, kiddo. lol

gonna watch more lost, with all this time off it looks like i'll be able to finish the series before it's off netflix.