muckluck

last night i went out! felt so good! i took the bus over to the hood and mel-g met me and we walked to the boyz. we watched "Avatar" from the projector onto a big screen. Avatar is an incredible, funny and deep Nick cartoon about Earth, Water, Air and Fire and reclaiming the balance within. We watched the last four episodes, the "end" of the series. I haven't seen all of them, but have seen a lot of them. I want to watch from beginning to end. We walked to mel-g's house and she drove me home bc it was too late for buses. YaY

i applied for 20 admin jobs on jobdango this morning. I think 80% of them are temp agency ads and they don't tell you. i am really discouraged and frustrated with jobs, job searching, wages and everything. i have been making way too little for way too long. i mean when i hear $10/hr, i am stoked. that sucks. that is a wage for someone who doesn't have a college degree, doesn't have 15 years in the workforce, doesn't have their own apartment and other bills to worry about. thanks to xtina i did a search on salary.com for my zipcode for preschool wages - the bottom 10% and the lowest wage is $10 and the average is around $14, so when the place i worked said, 'we offer one of the highest starting wages for Teachers in the area', they were lying. I looked up admin jobs and the lowest 10% is making $13 and well up from there with the average around $17. In good news, I looked up new teachers with a masters degree and the average for that is $40-65K, which is excellent, and all too far away. ugh. i don't get it. i guess i shouldn't go into my philosophical 'i don't understand etc.' and just accept it and look for the best i can, bc i deserve it.

there is someone like 3 blocks away looking for a babysitter. not often but to be their 3year olds babysitter when needed. I wrote a nice email and didn't bother with cover letter and resume. she wrote back asking for my resume, luckily my childcare resume is bomb. also my admin/other resume is OK. i took the 4 teaching jobs i had 06-08 and for the ones i sent out yesterday i said "teacher - various schools", but i changed it to Personal Assistant for STone. whatever.

i also talked to my mom today. i told her that not going to grad school now is not an option and this is stuff that we already talked about a year ago. now i've completed everything, spent money on tests and paperwork and have told them i am attending. and i am. i also told her that i threw my back out and haven't been working. her response was "you're gonna have to move" and i said (again) that is not a feasible option, i've already spent so much time trying to establish myself here - NJ has nothing to offer me and would prolly cost you more money bc of my living expenses and food costs, plus i have no car so would have to borrow yours (which you don't like) or drive me around which doesn't really work for anyone. i also said that moving to dad's was not an option bc there is nothing around them, again no car, and more costs to them bc of my living and food expenses. she threw the "you're 30years old card" which is prolly why i play it so much and i held my tongue and didn't remind her that at about my age she was divorced, had no education, no degree and moved back in with her parents. i know she wants the best for me, and she knows i am capable so thinks i deserve it, but in the same respect, getting support from her and not having her beat me up for mistakes or health issues would help. it's like she doesn't want me to make the same mistakes as her so instead of enabling me by helping she pushes me too hard. and at the very end of the conversation she noted i needed to lose at least 20pounds. true, yes - applicable time, no. but i know it will help with my back. stupid back.

and my dad just called. i finally told him too. he said, 'well, i figured something was up since you haven't been contacting me'. i told him at first i couldn't talk or do anything and about the doctor and how work wants someone more physically capable and consistent and that they were increasing costs and lowering wages and cutting staff. i didn't get to tell him i am looking at admin stuff but i did tell him i applied for like 50 jobs. they're going to the bay this weekend and i want to go. they are leaving thursday a.m. which means i would need to take a train in by wednesday night unless i got someone else to pick me up. which i am sure would be no prob. i am concerned about smoking cigarettes. they are readily available and i am stressed and i like them but i promised to my grampa mc and dad that i would never smoke another cigarette again. i guess i have bigger things to worry about.

it's already 2:30 - holy crap. and i haven't eaten. bad, bad, bad. i eat terribly when i have no routine and when depressed. i could have some cheetos which i got last night bc for some reason the bag and the whole cheetos thing was reallllllly fun to me. uh. the library books that i got for my class are due today. it would be wise to renew them or go there. i don't feel like going there, so it looks like i'll renew them. i am supposed to have karapist at 8, but i emailed her to see if we could do earlier or another day bc i want to go see SH at a coffee shop for free from 7-9. i might take a nap. i feel hot and nauseous.