la pas-sion

i've had a lot of time to think.

the other day i was watching "so you think you can dance" and i was crying bc it was so beautiful. i was also crying bc i started thinking about passion. they have dance as a passion. just that same day i was happy but sad inside bc STone was on the radio, music is her passion. i can think of things i like and enjoy to do but i had to really think - what is my passion? i came to the conclusion that my passion is learning and teaching. those papers i wrote weren't bs, that's how i feel. i love learning and i love passing my knowledge on to others. maybe not as exciting as some others. but my talent is my intelligence, something i neglect.

so then i decided (another time first thing in the morning) that come hell or high water, i am going to grad school this year. i have worked. i have waited. i have paid ridiculous amounts of money that i do not intend to pay again. i need this to complete me and assist in my happiness. all i feel like i am doing is wasting time - and i've felt that for a long time. i thought seriously about moving up to my dad's house and putting off school for a year. i would not be happy there. i would be at some shitty job, driving a truck to and from work in traffic and paying insane gas prices, i wouldn't have any friends besides my fam who i love but smoky crappy beer drinking poker nights or bar hopping in the sticks isn't what i want to do.

i also decided (and might change my mind) that if my family won't support me, emotionally - financially - whatever, then i am not going to talk to them about school at all. that sounds really childish and i don't know, but i am still really upset at the lack of support i am getting. my dad and jane are very realistic, they know i want this really bad and support me going to school but can't help me financially but they have offered me a rent-free place to live with food and a truck to drive, and they're not trying to talk me into it or say that if i go to school it's the wrong decision. my mom and grandma on the other hand - i think i've said enough about it. i couldn't even talk to my mom the other day bc i was so upset deep down. they think i am a failure. they always have. bc i'm not doing what they think is best for me. i'll just have to enjoy my role as black sheep even more.

i am mad at the yankees. they need to get it together. watching them has gone from fun to stressful and maddening. at this point, they might not make the post season something they did the last 10+ years. their players are great but they do have too many injuries and their pitching again is a problem besides Mussina who got player of the month and could have a 20win season, finally! also, i've become increasingly addicted to the brain game. i'm in the 98th percentile in the world. only 2% have higher scores. and i won't stop now. it's actually open in another tab. hah. i love it. there is a free trial of their Pro game, but i don't want to forget and not cancel and have a bill i can't pay.

speaking of which. my cable and Internet are prolly going to go out in like a week i think. and my phone shortly after that. i think i'm going to repost my camera for $250. i am trying to be strategic, like are people going to look more on the wkend or monday when they get back to work? but i need to sell it. i might sell my body for money. i don't care. a little bit of pain could bring a lifetime of happiness. (note: i have no idea how i would go about doing that nor do i plan to try to figure it out) i am going to clean and get a whole slew of clothes to sell. there are 3 places i know of that will pay you cash for clothes. i was thinking i could trying selling cd's but a lot of my cd's have the 'promotional copy' thing so i don't know if they buy them.

today is cleaning day. tomorrow is apply to every job on the Internet day. yippee.